I’ve always been kind of weird
Now I can sense it, cognize it, know it on a level that is not mind, but a full-body recognition.
It is about being empty. It does become somewhat lonely when I get into that lense of what am I missing by not being full of stuff?. And asking, do I want to be full of stuff like everyone else? Yet that is just a lense; part of the act of having stuff, and not an aspect of my own emptiness at all.
Taisha’s concept of stalking makes sense to me through the ability to be empty. It’s like trying on different personalities- only no one realizes that their personalities are just a chaotic conglomeration of different lenses, beliefs and behaviors assembled based on experiences and influences over their lives. There really isn’t a core personality at all. It is an illusion. And not a beneficent one. It isn’t malignant, either. It’s completely neutral. There is no right or wrong; its merely a story that we choose to attend to.
But, in being empty, life becomes a myriad of different stories to sample. There is no one lense to adopt because they’re all just stuff collecting in the field, bogging things down, making things slow and painful in the resistance to feeling one thing or another. There is always another side to the story. None of them are complete in themselves. The victim has a victimizer, the rebel has a tyrant and all saints have their devils and vices.
I think that, basically, all a personality is, is the particular experience of pain that comes from resistance to feeling certain things. That pain comes to us in the beautiful variety of all of life’s experience- and the resistance that each unique personality produces is like a snowflake. No two are ever identical. But there can be many similarities and many things which can be seen similarly depending on the factors of each.
The resistance that results from each unique personality is a consequence. Like a cookie cutter tends to make particular shapes that give an impression of resembling something. We tend to interpret all of existence through our cookie-cutter, which has a particular shape. It never really is considered by most people to be anything except themselves. But that is insane!
It is only because I have done the experiment that I say this. When I feel fear- it is exclusively when I do not want to experience a feeling of fear, and so resist feeling it. When I feel faith-it is when I accept whatever experience is to be mine. Ironically, the thought-image which appeared when I felt fear seems always to manifest, while the same occurs when I feel faith.
To be more precise, the feeling of fear in my body is one of physical constriction. My stomach tightens, my head flushes, I feel cold, a sense of dropping. The feeling of faith is one of not comfort, but a sense of looking forward to a challenge which I will have to put effort into but may nevertheless be difficult and strenuous. My body isn’t constricted, but feels more open, strengthened, more willing, and more able, as if I’m hunkering down to start a grueling race..
We have been trained away from simply feeling pain. I think a lot of horror and gore media is about this. Actually, a lot of why childbirth has been controlled. We wince. We cringe. We constrict, move away, resist. And there is, obviously, something necessary in that for the material survivability of the body. And yet, that very material survival is the aspect that we are on this plane to overcome; to defeat, to redeem, to resurrect and to transform into a higher aspect that will then serve in the higher planes. Childbirth is the most natural teacher of this fact. The more you resist, the more pain and suffering is experienced. But if you really go into it, then everything just becomes intense experience. It’s not pain. It’s just all of it, intensity, in the most powerfully internal experience that completely transforms the relationship between body, soul, feeling, resistance, everything. Everything else ceases to exist; it all goes out the window like so much useless trash. There is only the eternal intensity of the moment.
I think that’s obviously what the Christ did-it’s already done for us and handed to us from the Sun God himself. He gave birth to the purified body. For all of us. Universally. We already have a purified body to step into, thanks to the Christ being. But we do still need to choose it. He won’t make us choose it. It’s just there, whenever or if ever we want it. The attention is all that is needed to choose.
It’s so funny, or ironic, to me that that is the ONE THING everyone is so late loathe to give up! Their identity! Their particular ideas of how they’re right about the world and how others are wrong. How they would change things or others to make the world more perfect- that particular lense that creates a unique resistance pattern and then a unique, known, familiar experience. Complete with historical references, supporting emotions, ideas, frameworks, interactions which completely support that personality. But what is the level of true joy that is experienced through that lense? What if the lense itself is the only thing convincing you that it is your personality? What if you’re still you without it? And always have been?
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