have I come?
When I look back, it is a world away.
Today, I caught myself in them midst of the process of some kind of scheme. Once I realized that my mind was going through this motion-the motion of playing out a scenerio in which I want something that other people don’t care about and so how would I maneuver my value or threaten to remove my value to make them care about what I want?-when I just stopped.
Holy shit.
All of these thoughts are just running on some script. A script that I don’t even believe in anymore! And as I listened to my mind run it through, yet again, only a single recognition stopped me. It was ‘but I don’t want to’ That was it. Just, ‘I don’t want to.’
I don’t want to believe people don’t care. I don’t want to think that people don’t care. I don’t want to act like people don’t care.
Why?
Because if I behave that way, then they won’t care.
And I actually do believe that they do care. I love that they care. I love my life, myself, and my value in relationship to people who care. It’s just fantastic. I love life and reality, chores, boring things become joyous toil, and my life is good.
Everything that I’ve ever loathed or hated came from the belief that people don’t care. It’s like Hell. And Heaven is the place where I believe people do care.
And it’s a choice.
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