Yesterday was good until last night. A friend of mine who just got married and bought a house posted all of these super happy things and I am definitely happy for her. But I was definitely overcome by a case of the why me’s, this is so unfair, why the fuck don’t I even have my own house to be sad in, etc.
So today was okay for about half of it. My mom called while Matt and I were driving home from running errands. and let me say- my mom is not good with emotions. She’s the first to say look on the bright side but when something goes wrong for her she’s the most negative person alive. I get that she was trying to be supportive but was really just toxic positive (look on the bright side- at least the weathers nice, it could be worse, etc) and I just wasn’t in the mood for it and Matt could see that. So he tried to say something to my mom about it and I felt like she got defensive and then I got uncomfortable, and then I’m not sure how we got there but all three of us were yelling at each other and it was ridiculous.
So that sucked. (Matt and I talked things out and the night ended peacefully, so I’m grateful for that)
I called/left messages for a few psychiatrists/therapists today. I think I mentioned this but I feel like as time goes on my mindset is getting worse and I can’t have that right now. I know that and I don’t want it to be that way, you know? I’m currently taking 2 anti depressants. And let’s just say right now they definitely aren’t working. I know it’s probably a good idea to talk to someone about all of this anyway, I’m just not good at being proactive with these things, usually.
I have to get up at the asscrack of dawn and I’m not excited about it. 4.45 is way too early.
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