Something shifted in the moons, brother
I felt a shift in me. Motivation sparked. I didn’t know I had any dopamine in the tank for that. Naturally, it hits when I am trying to sleep.
[System Activated]
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Will I lock in? I’m in the lock out phase. This is when I try to swear off distractions. Social media and porn. This is when I remove people, places, and things without installing anything better.
Followed by the lists. This will feel like momentum. It is not. This is when I go hard at the gym. Movement feels like meaning. It is not.
I will get things started. I might even complete a few of them. In the end, I will self-destruct.
Blah. I’m not happy with some of my recent choices. Dietary & monetary, mostly. I have got to stop spending. I have been eating a lot of takeout. Dining out. I don’t want to feel bad about it. I have been visiting with people.
Speaking of people. What are you looking for? The dreadful question on Grindr. In general, I want friends. Male friends would be ++. I don’t have anyone on my side, really. Nobody does wellness checks. Nobody invites me out to have fun when they go out to have fun. This is the FOMO I get every single summer. Let’s go out and have fun instead of just catching up. There are meet-up groups and stuff like that. I could consider it. Where are the Type A’s at?
I have a new distraction. A boy? Of course. What’s he looking for? Nothing serious. Nobody ever is. They’re all broken. He thinks I’m like the dream guy. We’re probably going to hook up, and he will ghost me because that is how this goes. I want to just ghost everyone, periodt. Alt Ctrl Delete.
My brother called me yesterday. He really is working hard to make it work for me to move over there with him. He really wants family out there. He wants help with the baby he has on the way. We were Facetiming, and once he gave the phone to my nephew, the little guy, who was excited, went dead quiet. My brother started to laugh at him. He got so emotional seeing me that he shut down to avoid crying. My other nephews kept asking when I was coming to visit. We are trying to find a time for that too. If I do move there. I am not telling anyone. Just family.
Blah. I don’t know what the point of this entry was. My mood is just all over the place.
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