Monday I’m out running errands and my tire won’t keep air whatsoever. I have to add air like 3 different times and finally was able to reach a shop that could look at it right away and had to buy 2 new tires. I need all 4 but I had paid off that credit card earlier that day so I couldn’t afford all of them. I’m still super pissed because if I wouldn’t have used that card to make his bike payment months ago, I wouldn’t have owed that money.
Then I was waiting to hear back from childcare assistance. I find out today that I didn’t get approved because I didn’t work enough for the month of April because I took a week off to go back to get our stuff. Well I pick up my daughter from school and I was talking to her about this and she says to call a place where she’s been on the waiting list. Well, as it turns out I had missed a call from them earlier today and I didn’t answer because I was on the phone bitching at a friend about some stuff and come to find out, she got in so we went over there and turned in the application and paid the fee.
Again, I am extremely pissed that I now have 2 men that have left me in a long term bind that get to walk away scot free. It’s really hard to not be angry sometimes. I’m coming out of it but I’m still not where I should be. I really wish that people could ever take accountability and not even for what they’ve done to me but how much harder they’ve made it for me to take care of my child!! I’m also getting really sick of this deal where Mr. Man doesn’t pay CS and because he claims to be homeless, they can’t issue a warrant. He told me about 3 weeks ago that he was cleared by his dr to return to work but yet, there’s still no wage withholding! It doesn’t take more than a day to get a fucking job here!!
Then, I was getting off work Sunday where my friend sent me screenshots that my ex has a new girlfriend. I wasn’t super upset about it but was definitely in my head about it yesterday. I’m honestly pissed that he told me how he wasn’t interested in a relationship and 3 weeks after I was there to get my stuff, he’s with someone. I just talked to him the other night and I’m pretty sure he was going to meet her but wouldn’t say it. I don’t understand why not. I left, I’m not coming back so what’s the big deal? I also know that he posted pics with her on Facebook for my friend to see it and just waited for me to call him.
I actually spent quite a while Sunday night deleting pics and videos of him off my phone and Snapchat. I also tossed the wallet he bought me and I’m just diligently getting rid of shit that reminds me of him. I honestly believe it’s time to let go of even the memories. I was talking to my daughter the other night and told her that I think it’s best for us to let him live his life while we live ours. I definitely left out the part that he’s with someone new but she agreed. I blocked him on both of our phones and I don’t plan to see or speak to him ever again. I even had my friend delete him off Facebook. We know enough and we don’t need to know anything else. I’m doing better every day but don’t care to know anything else.
It does make me feel better that I have childcare overall figured out for Summer. I’m going to have to tweak my work schedule and everything but I’m glad that my daughter will not just be sitting around eating garbage. We go out and do shit but once it’s hot and stays that way, I refuse to be out doing things everyday and she’ll be in a program where they take them and do stuff. I’m not thrilled about working in the daytime more because it’s not as busy but I don’t want her at my Mom’s all the time anymore. She’s starting to get bored there and I don’t want her around my little brother any more than necessary. My Mom’s house consistently reeks of his BO and you have to have a window open or you literally get sick to your stomach. Again, lack of accountability.
I’m pretty broke since paying off that credit card and having to buy new tires. This week, I have to make money for car payment, oil change, daughter’s phone card and my phone bill. I’m glad that I will have it worked out where my Mom is going to watch her some at my house and she won’t be over there as much. I’m just hoping that I have no other bills that someone else created for me for a little bit with the exception of a credit card payment coming out in a couple of days. I really hope I’m good on the extra bills at least for a little bit or I’m going to completely shut down and give up. All I’ve done since I’ve been back home and pay more and more bills thanks to this motherfucker.
I’ve had 2 men either threaten or disrupt my daughter’s stability and I can’t help but be pissed off about it. I understand that they don’t care about me at all but I think they definitely should care about how they’ve affected MY ability to provide for her.
But yeah, I am more and more confident in my decision to leave that man. I seriously believe that if I would have stayed or went back, he would’ve been going on dates, possibly bringing women to the house and we would’ve had to leave anyways. He likes to move in with women pretty early on so either he would have moved this woman in or would have moved with her knowing I wouldn’t have been able to sustain the bills by myself so we would have had to leave regardless. I think he feels that he didn’t do enough to me so what he did do didn’t count. I really hope they live together and she fills my shoes and I promise, she’ll figure it out why all the rest of us have left him.
I still can’t believe that at one time, I loved him and I gave up my apartment to be with him when all it did was make my life harder and cost me more money. It definitely didn’t benefit me whatsoever and I can absolutely promise I will never find myself in that position again. I thought he was a good fit for us and I was completely dead wrong. I think once a man has you locked in, they stop trying. Once you live with them, the uncertainty and the chase is gone so they don’t have to make the effort they once did. I was emotionally and physically neglected for almost 2 years and even now I seriously get sick thinking about a man touching me.
He definitely became a different person and the version in the beginning was completely different at the end. I know everyone goes through this but I would have never imagined things ending up like this. It’s hard to miss him or even think good things about him when I’m still paying off debt that he caused. My best friend thinks that I’m hurt but I can honestly say I’m pissed.
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