We introduced two brothers to our program yesterday. One is 6, the other is 12. Our managers forced them into our program because they know their mother. We are already at capacity and have our own waiting list but the nepotism in my workplace is toxic like that. It’s annoying, but I’m not going to deny anyone help here.
I had a humbling moment where it sunk in that these boys don’t have a father figure in their life right now. I already know that he passed away from violence. It’s really sad, and that man had plans for his sons. He had things he wanted them to learn. He knew what kind of men he wanted them to be. I felt the full of weight of our responsibility with our program. A lot of my boys lost their fathers to violence. (I work with indigenous males ages 6-12 who are in conflict with the law or at risk)
Anyway, I started Concerta a couple days ago. I didn’t expect a life shattering event from it. Day one, I knew I was gonna feel it when the drug it. How can I not? ADHD is a dopamine deficiency, this stimulant gives me dopamine. I started to bug out for a few minutes but then I moved on with my day. I don’t want to read into every little thing, but I can definitely say that this drug is making me grind my teeth.
Day two: I did notice a lot less friction with tasks. Instead of thinking about the 20 things that I need to do that I’m not doing, I start 20 things. I’m zooming around like a crackhead. My mind is a lot more calm. No push or pull. My emotions are a lot more regulated, so far. I think my big test to see if this works is gonna be me hitting the books and trying to study.
It’s just a baby dose, so I didn’t experience any side effects yet. I still have my appetite, and I haven’t lost sleep yet. However, I can see how a larger dose could affect that. I had a tummy ache in the afternoon, and even though my mind and body were exhausted last night, I felt stimulated. I actually felt stoned or something. I lowkey liked it. My brain is constantly humming. I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s like feeling that pressure in my head when I took my CBD/THC oil.
I don’t want to be one of those little creatures that needs meth to fold laundry, but I just want to experience the difference with this medication.
Chapter Over
Well, it was an intense several weeks. My Grindr-lifestyle chapter seems to be coming to an end. I wanted to make connections and make male friends. Ended up having “fun” along the way. All the connections I made petered out. I am the heavyweight champion of carrying the conversation, but I don’t have the energy anymore. It’s too deflating. I feel some type of way about it. I’ll write about it more, how I feel like this… species is broken. Not to say I’m perfect. It feels a bit like giving up on my end too which I feel some type of way about also.
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