The weekend was alright. I’m kinda glad it’s over though. I’m like $100 short of what I wanted to make but such is life. I spent $42 last Monday and 3 hours to get his name off my car title and then I had to spend $250 to switch my car insurance since I had a past due balance from insuring his motorcycle. I also double checked with the dealership today on having gap insurance since he’s threatened to have someone take my car and at least now if that happens my car would get paid off and I’d get another one.
I will be paying off my 3rd credit card in a few days. I got a $200 refund check in the mail today that I’ve been waiting for and I just have to come up with the rest and I’ll have 1 less bill every month. That credit card was used back in November to make a bike payment. So by the time I pay off that card, I’ve spent $600 on a $200 draw. So again, for him to sit and play victim is laughable. He left me with one helluva mess but he didn’t care about his credit so why would I ever think he’d care about mine.
So today I went to Walmart twice and got a couple clipboards because I’ve decided that I’m going to list everything I put up with and setting boundaries. I want to have a visual guide in front of me to refer back to when it comes to bullshit.
I’m happy that I was able to get everything done today that I needed to get done. I was able to get a couple paystubs sent for childcare assistance too. I really hope that I get approved and I’m able to get her in somewhere for Summer. I’m honestly trying not to stress about this but I will honestly say that I don’t want to go do stuff every single day when it’s hot out. It’s also expensive going to the grocery store when I have to feed her 3 meals a day plus a crap load of snacks. It’s a lot.
But yeah, she just had her bath and we’re just hanging out. I’m wanting to have an early bed time because we were up late last night. I’m always tired coming from the weekend. We have to get our eye exams in the morning and then get her to school.
I’ve seen a shit ton on Tik Tok about women that are completely satisfied with being single and I’m honestly feeling that. I can honestly say that I feel so much peace right now. I really love that my whole life doesn’t revolve around a man anymore and I’m definitely getting more to the acceptance phase and letting myself feel the anger.
I remember him saying how I ‘chose’ to use my credit cards. A real man wouldn’t have let me! Don’t you think you failed by not having your bag up so I wouldn’t have had to?! I just want to know how the fuck he looks at himself every morning knowing what he left me with!
Sometimes I sit down and really think about all this and truly wonder just what the fuck was wrong with me. Did I truly believe he was the right guy? Did I really believe that we just hit a rough patch and everything was going to be okay? I wonder if he even cared about us. I never would have guessed all this would have happened and it’s still a lot to digest.
I realize now more than ever that I gaslit myself in this quite a bit. I accept that all of this is my fault. I ignored the red flags and didn’t address shit like I definitely should have. I also need people in my life that I can communicate with. I am really big at wanting to clear the air and even after the fact, he still interrupts me and talks over me. He never got to know me because he never let me speak.
The biggest thing is realizing that people have a lot of issues and that’s why it’s so important to get to know someone before moving in with them or moving with them across the country. I think that he’s full blown bi-polar and has a LOT of unhealed trauma and I think those 2 things alone destroyed everything. Then there’s the drinking. I have never in my life seen anyone drink like he does. I just don’t know how someone can drink at least a 6 pack every night plus more if he has it and at least 10 shots. Then he wonders why he has edema in his feet, he’s got inflammation in his stomach, he constantly can’t breathe, has broken sleep and just doesn’t function right because of the alcohol but blames all these issues elsewhere.
I was talking to my work friend about all this last night and I seriously can’t deal with men and their lack of accountability anymore. I’ve never had a man in my life that did the right thing. I now have 2 men that have left me in a huge mess long term and they get to walk away scot free. Both say how much they love my daughter but have done what they can to make her stability as rocky as they could.
My daughter’s real Dad contacted me a few days ago after being MIA for another 6 months. Threatening that he’s hired a mediator and he’s pissed that I’ve alienated him and accused me of parental kidnapping. There’s so much wrong with those statements that I ain’t even going to get started on it. Again, this is the first time he’s reached out in 6 months, hasn’t paid even a dollar in 7 but is coming at me like he’s got a leg to stand on? I seriously don’t care what he says and if we have to do mediation. His situation is no better now than it was last year when he took me to court. He claims to have babies on the way so he needs to just focus on them. He wants my daughter to meet them and it’s like why? So she can see that she’s even less of a priority to you? He doesn’t ever consider the long term affects of anything he does.
I just feel so much better getting that mf off the title to my car. After he was telling me one night on the phone that he wanted $5,000 for it. Um, you mean the money that I’ve already paid on it? He was also completely sure that I couldn’t remove his name without his signature…well I did so too bad! He’s told me so many times now how he don’t trust me. Okay well I don’t have much reason to trust you either! I’ve had to make sure my car has gap insurance so that if it’s taken, I’m not screwed! I’ve had to go to serious lengths to protect myself dude!
It’s so funny how I used to believe I wanted a man and now, that man showed me I was better off alone. He also wasn’t the best father figure to my daughter and I know every day that I wake up that she isn’t listening to him scream at me anymore or taking off to go wreck my car. He acts like he was such a good guy and I can promise you he isn’t. The ones that are always saying how they’re a good guy are the most evil.
My friend where I lived is in a tornado warning and I’m concerned. A bunch of cars and houses were damaged last night from hail.
Anyways, I’m going to hang out with my little now.
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