Be careful what you wish for
I always manifest things in a way that blows up in my face. I need a break from the gym, I’m addicted. I keep saying to myself. What is it going to take? A little bit of ice, 6cm of snowfall, and two giant jugs of water. I got humbled real good. I was carrying in my water, and my foot slid a tiny bit, but it was enough to wreck me.
I got sent home early yesterday. I went to work and ended up using a broom handle like a cane. 40 is 67 in gay years. Today, I can at least walk without support. No gym for me, though. I went to my chiro right after. Tomorrow I have a massage booked. I’m gonna be gentle to myself, finally.
I’m going through some things right now. I have executive dysfunction, first-degree burnout (the one that affects my personal finances), and the gym is where I get release. It’s where I can feel control. Even though I am not in control. I’m there about 5-6 days a week. Three of those days, I go twice. The steam room was my incentive at first. But now I have a problem.
My porn addiction transferred to real life. I wrote about someone in my previous entry, which is exclusive. That turned the change room into my OnlyFans LARP dungeon. And yes, I keep seeing him. I want to write more about it, but I don’t want to be a perv. Basically, this young Chad keeps spawning in the change room when I’m there. He likes to be nude for as long as possible. He flexes in the mirror, while in the buff. So he’s naked behind me, and in the mirror in front of me. I’m trapped! It’s very mesmerizing because he is an absolute beauty, and he knows it. I need to desexualize my brain. I find myself going in hopes that I will get to witness the show. I’m trying to stop going so often. After the last time, I got really flustered. To distract myself, I decided to talk to guys on Grindr. Can you believe? I have a free trial for a week, so I am trying to establish as many connections as I can. That app is so ridiculous, though. Everyone is locked behind glass unless you pay $19.99 a week. My roommate is out of town this weekend, so I… I have an old friend coming over.
I’m that weirdo using a hookup app to make friends. I want male friends. I don’t know where else to find some, but almost everybody is on that app. Straight male friends, those are harder to make. There is always some level of tension. So many unspoken rules and boundaries because of my zesty affliction.
That’s my life right now. I could have worse problems. I don’t want to trade my problems with anyone. I really do hope I manage to make a friend or two.
So today, I am forced to stay out of the gym. I’m gonna lock in and go over my personal finances. This first-degree burnout hasn’t been an emergency because I have everything set to autopayments for this exact reason. First-degree burnout is when my executive dysfunction affects what I need to be okay. I’m in between banks, which doesn’t help. Too many task multipliers here. My new bank hasn’t even issued me a card yet. I was so pissed when I went in after two weeks, only to discover they hadn’t issued one yet by mistake. I was so rude to them. I went from Karen to Kraken. I can’t send money out of my accounts yet until I activate that card. So now it’s been a month with my accounts stuck behind glass.
Anyway… on with my day then.
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