Written March 3.
I have stood by you. Suppported you. Been there for you when you allow. I talk to you every day nearly. Every day, you are pushing me further and further away. I get what feels like the bare minimum from you. I understand and know you are going through a lot. Emotionally, mentally, personally...you have been for the past year. But I don't deserve to be treated like this. You won't talk to me anymore. You never call. You don't miss me anymore. You share none of your feelings. I am trying so hard to be patient and give you time, but I honestly feel like you don't want me in your life anymore.
I found myself wishing I was the game. They get your smiles. They get your jokes and your laughter. They get your conversations on discord. I feel like I am begging you to letme be a part of your life. You had a shit ton of eomtions and stress in the past and you used to always talk freely with me. We shared everything. Now, there's a roadblock. You have so successfully built so many damn walls I can't knock them down as fast as you are building.
It seriously feels like you don't want me around anymore. I'm sorry I have ever hurt you. I'm not sorry for loving you. I realize this evening I am holding on to someone who doesn't want me. You can go through silent spells. You can work on what you feel you need to work on. You can do it all, while letting the people you do car about know you still care... I feel like I'm the only one who is the odd ball out. I feel like I cause you distress and stress. All because I want to be in your life and be a part of it... but you don't want the same anymore.
I feel like I can't talk to you because I don't want to hurt you or cause you more stress, but it leaves me crying hurting becuase I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to lose you, but it feels so much as if I have already. I'm here. I'll always be here for you. No matter how I am treated. No matter how I feel. Becuase I truly love you. And to me... that's part of loving someone. Getting mad, expressing feelings, but not leaving shit gets hard. But I feel as if part of loving is also not forcing someone to be in your life when they don't want to.
That's a lot. It took an hour of talking to break down just some of it. There was a lot packed into that. The sense of abandonment is readily apparent. To anyone reading it, it would appear as if I am speaking to someone who has not spoken to me in days, shares nothing, and is otherwise going about his or her normal life. What isn't known is that the other person is going through a shit storm worse than mine and has her reasons for why she remains silent.
Part of what is written is absolutely true. The dynamic of our relationship changed. I never wanted it to, but I had no control over that. A part of me understood why, most of me doesn't understand, and all of me is left wondering where I stand. No answers are forthcoming.
But all of it was written out of pure anxiety. The storm that had brewed in my head, for so long, finally exploded. Normally, when I explode in any capacity, no one can see it. No one knows, unless I share it with them and only then, I share after the storm has passed. This one... this one was shared during the moment the storm hit. The storm did not subside for hours. I called out of work the next day. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, and I was sweating. It felt like ever nerve in my body was on fire. I so desperately wanted to talk to just one person, but couldn't. I never can. So it hurt and it became a cycle I could not break.
8 sleeping pills later, 3 hours of sleep, and the cycle broke, but it left me so completely drained. I was also of the firm belief that she would never speak to me again. Or she would say goodbye. I felt like I deserved that. Normally, at least in books and movies, when someone has an explosive moment like that, it results in one of two things:
1. the relationship, whatever it is, ends.
2. the two people discuss the issues brought up in the outburst and try to work them
Well, we are still talking, but it is like I never wrote those words. The issues will probably never be discussed which means we will never work them, becuase by the time conversation of any deep meaning returns, the moment and situation will have passed and so many others will have occured.
I still feel much of that. I still feel abandoned. I still feel as if one person made a decision about our relationship all on her own and just didn't tell me. I was left to figure it out and I still haven't.
When a person goes through a mental struggle, communication is literally key to resolving the conflict or helping the person through the situation. Avoiding only allows problems not addressed to build to a suffocating point. Hard to support someone who won't talk and tell you what is wrong, how to help, or what is needed. Shutting down can be just as damaging. While closing out everything that can be overwhelming, you roll the dice on possibly losing so many good good things in life.
It makes me happy that my anxiety issues are not the avoidant style. I am glad I don't stay shut down. I can't imagine letting all of those negative feelings, thoughts, and emotions build inside me; just sitting there, festering like an open wound that refuses to close. Writing is my main outlet, but it also a scary one. I get out so much of my thoughts. If I share what I write, I too roll the dice on losing so many possible good things from the people reading.
Who will read all of my insanity and want to be with me? Who can read all of this and want to cuddle, snuggle, or hang out with me? It makes me understand better and better why people don't share certain things in their life. It makes me understand why people with-hold so much. It is also frustrating, because I am the type of person that wants to know, but I don't want to be miles apart and told... I want to be sitting next to the person so that when all is said and expressed, I can physically show my intentions and support.
Some days, I am okay with the silence. I get it. I understand. But when the silence stretches.... the bad days filled with bad thoughts, start to grow. This is the cycle i want to break. I want to learn to be okay with not being wanted or needed anymore. I want to learn to accept that sometimes people change their minds about how they feel about me and just don't want to tell me. I want to learn to be okay with being enough in the moment I am needed. I can't solve every problem. I can't solve most problems, actually. But I can try and be supportive when I know what in the hell I am be supportive of/about. I can try to listen when needed. I can try to be there when wanted. And what comes after...when the silence returns and I am ignored for hours (becuase I truly do know that other are not ignored....only me)..... that's the anxiety storm I want to learn to minimize and control.
Maybe months from now, a switch will flip and I'll be worth the time and effort to be with again. Or, it may never happen. All i can do right now is just work on me... as I have been. Keep working on the hard stuff. And remembering the good stuff.
Little comments here and there are what can help. Little signs that I am not forgotten. It's always the little things that go the furthest. I don't have any of that right now, but I am learning to live without again.
Change takes times. It takes patience. It takes understanding. It takes not giving up. Anger will always have a place. No relationship of any type is perfect. I am enough.... for someone.... for the person that wants me. That is something I need to continue to believe. The day I stop believing that, will be the day I no longer draw breath.
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