I like the phrase “lock in.”
It’s a great description of one of the super powers we possess as humans. Adrenaline is linked to emotion, even though it’s extremely physical in nature. In this way, we can use emotion to turn ourselves into momentary super-selves. If you “lock in” and elect to care very much, about anything- a competition, a goal, or just to endure something for a certain amount of time- adrenaline will respond and make you faster, sharper, and stronger. Literally. I think it’s an awesome phenomenon, and I think it’s an awesome phrase.
Now something I hate- and please, for the love of God, if anyone can explain this to me by all means jump in- but on the very long list of things I hate about millennials (and first, some honorable mentions: rap/singing in a deliberately awkward cadence while free associating, performative empathy, a desperate need for instructions from authority) is one that I recently saw Steve from Blues Clues pull on my tiktok feed- and like every time some millenial pulls this platitude cliche out, I suddenly become a guest on Jerry Springer.
You don’t KNOW me!
I’m referring to a very specific type of social media post where the poster will put on their most performatively empathetic face, look directly at themselves in the camera, and pretend they are having an intimate moment with every single person that might be watching:
“Hey- in case no one told you today. You’re doing a great job. You’re beautiful. You- yeah, you right there- you matter. I appreciate you. I hope today you find everything you’re looking for.”
You are literally talking to yourself. Larping a conversation you would never have with people you know and love, much less a stranger.
What are we doing here? Who is this for? Who watches these and feels the warm and fuzzies? Because even if I could get over the fact that I was just watching someone talk to themselves, I’d just feel patronized and belittled.
Depression, for me, materializes as a vacuum cleaner on my chest- impaling me slightly diagonally with the spot-cleaning tube from the sternum up towards the throat. Most of the time it just sits there kind of weighing me down, but once in a while it will turn on and disappear specific thoughts or motivations I am used to having and realizing.
I am a man of action to say the least. I take the mysterious side paths and the photos. Anything I see, or anyway I see, that strikes me- I’ll snap a photo for posterity. Or maybe a project. Random creative impulses rain down on me all day. They charge me up with the exciting prospect of seeing them manifested in reality, and this excitement carries me all the way through the task until it’s completed and I can admire it for a second (then set it aside, toss it, or give it away and move on).
But when I find myself under the Vacuum, I will experience the genesis of these thoughts and motivations- and just before my nervous system is charged with excitement to see them manifest, the vacuum turns on and sucks the point of doing anything at all clean away. The point that I suppose was never there in the first place, but it feels like that’s what’s happening.
I’ll dump out a box of hats trying to find a specific face mask, and not even be able to put them back away. The pile just sits there and I wander off. The entire concept of being constructive and efficient, a practice that has brought me so much joy in life that I’ve nearly built my identity around it, feels abandoned entirely.
It’s not a chicken-eggy thing at all. Even forcing myself to behave the way I normally would, as though I were trying to jump start the car battery of my own heart, does not bring me the joy it normally does that one might suspect could be an antidote to the malaise. It’s not an antidote. I’m not sure there is such a thing, other than time maybe.
Or maybe it’s just been a tough week, with a lot of bad luck, seasonal boredom, and some deep yearning for a different life.
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