Dear God,
I went to sleep at 2 a.m. last night. I wrote to You and said I wasn’t going to drink anymore—along with smoking. I had made that entry private, but I changed it to public. I kept thinking about something Gemini Minnow Pond said: it will add time to your life. I’m not sure if he meant weed specifically, but I thought about wine too.
Last night I drank wine—just enough to feel a little tipsy. Amara had a little with me, and we talked on a deep level. She told me that sometimes she thinks I’m in “la-la land.” She said someone mentioned that about me again, and at first she made it sound like it was Jillian who said it—but then she corrected herself and said it was her. That’s the same phrase she once told me Jillian used about me. I don’t know why that expression bothers me so much.
I’m beginning to think maybe Jillian never even said that. Maybe Jillian said one or two things, Amara said something, Allie said something, Alex said something, and of course Hayley added her two cents probably too. And then I separated myself from them. But the real question is: why do I care so much?
Why does it affect me? If people are talking about you, doesn’t that mean you entered their minds? I’m not calling them haters, but it made me realize that even people who feel close to you—like Jillian, Amara, and Alex—can still say things that tear you down.
Last night I had dinner alone. I meant to meet the group, but it started raining and I turned around. I went back to the hotel bar and ordered salmon—which reminds me, I left it out of the fridge.
I also spoke to my church friend Joshua. He’s different now—more encouraging. Maybe because we hadn’t spoken in so long and he felt like I had deserted him. Clark felt that way too. Both of them want me to stay in touch.
Joshua smokes weed almost every day. Clark has never smoked in his life. Joshua tells me he loves me every time we talk. I can be completely myself with him and he never judges me. With Clark, I’m a little more guarded, yet I still tell him everything. Our friendship is purely platonic—he’s never hinted at anything more. Honestly, they are my best friends. I don’t even know what I am to them, but I love them deeply as my best friends. They’re total opposites and don’t even know about each other. If you put them in the same room, they might hate it. But like yin and yang, that’s me in one body.
Speaking of one body, I thought about the drinking last night. If I hadn’t, maybe I would have slept two hours longer. Instead of six hours, maybe eight. My phone alarm went off at 6:30 a.m., which is strange because I don’t even know why it was set for that time.
I said I would stop drinking wine, but that feels like a big deal. But maybe I have to—especially if it truly adds time to my life. The truth is, sometimes I get sad or frustrated and don’t know how to process those emotions. Sometimes food tastes better with it. Or maybe I’m just making excuses.
It would be a major sacrifice. I thought about trying three months without wine and seeing how I do. But with my job, I’m not sure how realistic that feels. Still, the sacrifice might be worth it. Especially if it protects my peace and my future.
Hours have passed. Im about to take a nap. I mostly talked on the phone and unpacked—even though I leave in the morning for my operations experience. I saw my colleagues downstairs eating together. I tried to join them, but they were already leaving. I think I’ve lost my hotel key. I can’t find it—or the metal water bottle my job gave me. It makes me think I need to quit my bad habits and definitely not start new ones. I can’t blame everything on wine, but I know I want to be sharper and more disciplined.
I ordered shorts, a bathing suit, and water on Instacart—essentials for Hawaii.
I remember telling my dad how happy I was to leave here. He asked, “If you could go anywhere, where would it be?” I said Hawaii. Not even out of the country—just Hawaii instead of Bulgaria. And You made it happen. My trip changed from Bulgaria to Hawaii. I’m finally going to a real beach—finally. I’m more excited about Hawaii than anywhere else in the world. Thank You for that gift.
Before I sleep, I want to say this: what I want in life is hard. I’m watching the documentary about the making of the girl group KATSEYE. I’ve also been watching snippets of Dua Lipa performing in a beautiful red gown, singing effortlessly. I realize dance has to be integrated into my performances.
I struggle with choreography. I have a hard time remembering steps. My plan is to take as many dance classes as possible. And when it comes to my performances, I want to create my own choreography and teach it. I pray You help me remember my steps and give me the confidence to audition dancers, hire the right choreographer, and build a team with discernment and wisdom. Let the right people find me—or lead me to them. However You do it, Lord, I want to be undeniably great.
Let this new journey of not drinking be easy. Just as You took away my 20-plus-year habit of smoking, please help me not rely on anything to release stress, to sleep, or to feel better. Let me rely on You.
Yesterday on the plane, I felt so insecure. I cried quietly because I felt lost. I asked You how I ended up here and whether I would survive this experience. I didn’t understand the preflights or what I was doing. Then You blessed me with a 15-minute nap. It was short but sweet. I woke up refreshed and ready to learn again.
I pray the same for tonight. Let me wake up refreshed and mentally prepared for my OE tomorrow. Help me repack, focus, and be confident.
I pray in Jesus’ name that everything works according to Your will. Guide my life in the direction You’ve planned. Remove what hinders me and send the right people into my life. Most of all, let me take care of my parents. I want to spoil them, to show them things they’ve never seen, to let them experience life on another level.
I pray for everyone reading this. Ignite their passions again. Remind them it’s never too late to chase their dreams. Make a way for them when their schedules feel impossible. Renew their strength. Send them signs—peace, butterflies, feathers, kind words—whatever reminds them You are near.
Help us remember that we need You like air and water. You know our story better than we ever could.
Thank You for everything You’ve done and everything You’re doing in my life.
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