Dear God,
I woke up around 4:44 this morning and called Shervy at 4:55. He stayed on the phone with me for about an hour. I got everything packed and ready. I have to be downstairs in about an hour. I only slept maybe four hours. I was drunk last night.
I’m disappointed in myself. I wish I could go back and undo those three cosmos. Shervy told me to stop caring so much, but one of my colleagues, Amara, saw me naked. I think I took my clothes off as soon as I walked into the room.
Amara really took care of me. And so did Hayley — the same girl I thought talked about me. But I clearly remember her helping me. That means something.
On the first Sunday of this month, I told You I wouldn’t drink anymore. And yet I did. Now that I crossed that line and felt the consequences, I know I’m truly ready to quit. Not just because I got drunk — but because I want a sound mind. I want clarity. I want discipline. Even at future parties, at the Grammys, the Oscars, fashion shows — wherever life may take me — I want to be the woman who stays sober because she chooses peace and strength over impulse.
I asked Shervy for advice. He said, “Stop giving a shit.” He doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him. In fact, he carries this steady confidence because he already believes in who he’s becoming. I admire that. I struggle with that. I care deeply about how I’m perceived.
In my drunken state, I called Jillian — the same girl who once made me feel like an outsider. Out of everyone, I wanted advice from her. Maybe I wanted answers. Maybe I wanted closure. She said she would call me back, and when she did, I didn’t answer.
Please forgive me. I know You are a forgiving God, but I sincerely ask for Your forgiveness. Shervy told me I didn’t hurt anyone — that I only hurt myself. And that’s what it feels like. I felt like Peter in the Bible who denied You three times. I had three drinks and lost control.
I don’t regret the experience because it showed me clearly that I want to change. I smoked up until I boarded the plane. I even took a small puff at that club in Miami, and the paranoia was overwhelming. I don’t usually feel that way. I think it was conviction. I knew I was doing something that didn’t align with who I want to be.
I ask for a clean slate. Help me keep a sound mind, no matter how stressful life becomes. Teach me to rely on You fully. Let me be better than I was last night.
Thank You for protecting me. I woke up without bruises or scratches. I didn’t oversleep. I gathered everything I needed. Even in my mistake, You covered me. All I need to do now is rest a little more, wake up, and get dressed.
I love You.
Amen.
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