Something has shifted in the moon brother
I heard someone say that the highest form of intelligence is metacognition. My metacognition is pretty strong, but I think of it more as a multiplier.
Metacognition + anxiety = I loop
Metacognition + trauma = I overscan everything
Metacognition + dicipline = I create
The math speaks for itself. I loop and I overscan everything. I’m not a machine, I’m only human. Our core drive is survival.
I don’t have much of a vocabulary for my emotions. They are layered and complex; I get caught up in them and get confused. Once I label it correctly, I grow through it so fast. For example, when I realized that everything I was experiencing right before my winterbreak was just jealousy. Currently, I realize that I am questioning my self-worth. I took a hit from what my doctor said about my current journey.
I also didn’t realize how much of myself was identity-based. It has been scaffolded this whole time externally. So when something shifts, it generates a whole existential crisis. So much of my “self” has been constructed through systems. It’s inside work that I need to do. My reflex is always to optimize. Try a new supplement, create a better routine, work out harder at the gym, etc.
On the other side of this, I will have new values. I will know my worth through something else.
While I’m rambling. I always say this: I don’t want to want. Wanting hurts. It always tells me that I don’t have it. Whatever it is. Currently, I want so much. So this means that I have so little. The harder I want it, the further I push it away. There is a line from a Sheryl Crow song I like. It’s not having what you want, it’s wating what you’ve got. That’s the vibe.
We’re not free from what we do because we are not free from what we want. This is another quote that haunts me. It’s from a show called Dark.
I can feel a shift in me. Something is building up. My psyche can’t handle it. It doesn’t like change. My current systems and loops aren’t serving me, as we know, but now I can’t connect to them. Doom scrolling bores me, for example.
Anyway, I needed to ramble and make no sense. It’s been a while
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