I’m putting the fun in executive dysfunction.
They compare ADHD executive dysfunction (task paralysis) to someone trying to put their hand on a hot plate. The brain senses danger, so it hesitates. For me, it’s like you’re about to skydive out of a plane. The more you hesitate, the higher the plane gets. Eventually, you jump or get pushed.
We don’t have dopamine, so we depend on adrenaline. Worry and excitement are the same physical experience, so it is as though our inner child is doing it for the thrill (saving everything for the last second). At the end of it, whatever the tasks are, we don’t even get to feel accomplishment. Just relief.
We have to do everything consciously. Before I was diagnosed, I already understood this about myself. The routine part of my brain cannot be touched. I worked on building habits and systems that would get me what I want. I’m pretty high functioning. My worst is a lot of people’s best. My Stan thought I was a narcissist for making that claim. My world flows differently around me. It’s clean and organized. I add beauty to everything. For all my senses. I’m a Taurus rising.
I’m not a machine. You will never win the war; you can only win the battle every single day. I am told. Maybe it’s OCD, or the denial part of the grief process, but I don’t accept those terms and conditions. I’m a Capricorn, I’m here to master something and then teach it to others. I think I can win this war.
Why would our bodies have room for dopamine or serotonin when it is flooded with stress hormones? Reducing stress isn’t going to fix everything. I will have to clean out my body as well. Mind what I eat and drink.
Caffeine is counterintuitive. I started drinking green tea in December when I was sick. Lately, in the morning, I can feel that my body is ready for me to quit my tea. I’m calm and peaceful when I wake up and get out of bed. Then everything feels urgent after my tea. I already learned that my depression was not a mindset issue, but a metabolic one. Foods trigger inflammation, currently. It’s like stubbing your already swollen toe. My gut is inflamed because it is trying to repair damage, but I keep damaging it. I am taking a holistic approach, but my brain is still broken. My gut health is a major issue here as well. The vagus nerve and gut connection… my coordinator gave me some of his ashwagandha yesterday. I don’t have access to what my body feels, but I definitely felt this one affect me. My body relaxed, and I was able to feel how tired my limbs were from the gym. I could barely lift them. I might get myself some.
It’s like being told there is something wrong with your legs. You will never run, you will never climb, you will never swim. We can teach you to get the most out of walking. All I can do is crawl, most days.
I’m learning to be kind to myself. Not every setback or stalled project is a moral failure. It is data. My emotional dysregulation, that’s the dopamine deficiency as well. I still have to make space for them. Metabolize them. I don’t even know what that looks like.
I need to move on with my day then. I don’t need to ramble forever. I’m just licking my wounds here.
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