And Faith
Seem interwoven in a bedrock of meaning throughout my life.
My mind races and tries to put 2 and 2 together; frantic to figure it out. Anxiety drives my mind to dwell, to ponder, to get lost in distraction, to comfort with obsession, to drown in information. For me, that is easy to do. So easy. Too easy.
It is more difficult to be quiet and listen. For me, the movement of information and detailed planning is almost a passive skill. It’s something that comes out of me naturally, without effort and almost without work of any kind. And yet it is empty. It is, for me, devoid of heart, feeling, or soul. It is quite like what I imagine life is like for the 9 to 5 wage earner, accountant types. No judgement. Just what I associate with the cliche of utter social domestication.
But when I do listen, when I become quiet enough to really see and to percieve, magic happens.
I was aware of it in a dreamy way when I was younger. I never became stranded for lack of money even though I was always broke. I would just miraculously have enough money to get to the next pace. Every time. All the time. I just would. And if I didn’t, I’d open the trunk of my car and there was a few trash bags of return cans someone had forgotten about. And look, I had parked at a grocery store. Or someone randomly came up to me to give me twenty bucks they said they owed me from that thing so long ago I barely remembered it at all. That stuff happens to me. Not just sometimes. All the time.
My husband went to jail 24 days ago. It was completely out of the blue. The city didn’t like the garden arch in our yard that has a tarp on it. They called it an unpermitted structure and since we “refused to get a permit” then said that it was 30 days in jail. Not a fine or whatever nonsense that normally happens with these things that might have been justified. Jail. Just, you go to jail. And also, no work release. Nevermind that pedos and people who have actually committed a crime get work release. Nope. You have a cattle panel arch in your yard. So highest sentencing, obviously.
Throughout that first day to week that my husband was out into jail, I really struggled with guilt, doubt, grief, sadness, terror- and then I found something similar to that dreamy awareui had when I was younger. This is not happening to us, it’s happening for us. Whatever it is, there is a reason. Probably I’m too unconscious to realize what that reason is. But I can feel that it’s there. And I can sense my energy calm. My nervous system is suddenly okay. I no longer feel the guilt, grief or sadness. Because I’m looking for the reason; I don’t have the bandwidth to focus on both how I broke my leg and how to recover. I can pick one. But not both.
That happened. Okay. So we don’t really live paycheck to paycheck but that was quite unexpected. Then his job said that he’s fired because he did a 3-day no-call no-show (which isn’t true, I’ve personally spoken to them at least a half dozen times). Along comes my estranged mom who happens to volunteer at the jail my husband is in, wanting to give us some money because she’s worried. Along comes some other relatives and friends who are just kind and concerned -even if it’s not money, it’s something. It’s support.
And then I remembered all those moments that have changed for me. When I percieve a thought - “we’re going to lose the house” I became aware of the fear charge behind it. I recognized how different it felt compared to the feeling of thought that I have been cultivating more consciously. What am I focusing on? How am I choosing to focus on what’s lost or might be lost rather than what is gained or what opportunity is presenting itself?
And I am reminded of the work of that last year. I took on feminine embodiment and oversoul descent. Both of these being not unrelated, my progress in each has been surprising. And not what I expected at all. It’s funny how we realize that we have expectations for things that know nothing about. At least, it’s humourous for me. The journey from my mind into feeling has been one of intense experience after another. I suppose it could not be any other way if I am truly to embody. I hear a different come out of myself both internally and externally.
The biggest difference that I can discern right now, or at that which presents itself to me, is this awareness of a relentless will to devote my energy to love and goodness.
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