As always.... nothing happens till it does and I want to tell ya’ll about it .... can’t even imagine anyone is still reading when I go months and months without posting. Things were okay.... I mean as far as surviving the day to day I thought we were doing pretty okay.... if not great.... obviously not the current case.
I’m a mess....
it wasn’t long before Susan (my blue SUV) decided to have trouble. I bought a code reader and Rocky fixed the part BUT it requires a computer reset and we are just not able to figure that out though we’ve recieved and followed several sets of instructions from online sources. Now she sits behind Rocky’s Olds....
I was making it work.... Jakes mom had some major back surgery so I borrowed his car and he borrowed his moms because she couldn’t drive it anyway.... That season passed and while we had 3 vehicles and the holidays Rocky took his SUV (Buddy) down to do the major works. Of 6 parts that I had quoted at $900 to take to a shop to fix Rocky was able to replace 4 of them. Honestly, proud of his work. He is not a mechanic, just a guy willing to watch some YouTube and give it a try. He managaed to get most of it done but it turned out to be impossible for him to do the controller arms because 1 bolt on each side would not come off. Eventually, we decided to give and take it in to doscover just those 2 parts would only be $200 then an alignment for $100 and Buddy would be up and ready to work. All vehivles back to where they go and I’m driving Rocky to and from work and doing Doordash in his vehicle......just got the alignment Friday......
Almost a month ago now.... Jake and I were at Destiny’s hanging out. ..... A woman called Dest in need of urgent conversation. We (Lyndsey, Jake, and I ) went silent as the woman explained that her son had molested her boyfriend’s daughter. I couldn’t listen long .... I heard her say ” She’s only 6 and I asked her what had happened and she said”.... I don’t know what she said as I was suddenly transported to my mother asking me the same question as I stood between her legs at the age of 5. I suddenly couldn’t breath. I grabbed my jacket and headed outside. I don’t recall the last time I’d ever felt so trapped, so paniced, so distraught about something that DIDN’T happen to me. I was outside for what felt like 30 mins..... no one came to check on me. I decided I needed to splash some water on my face and went in to use the bathroom and no one had moved. Destiny was still on the phone. While I was in the bathroom Jessica came into the house. As I left the bathroom I tried to explain what I thought was happening and I heard Destiny tell the woman “It’s not your fault” I couldn’t stand another word and I went back outside. ..... again no one came.... but I was only out there like 5 mins before I came back in. The fresh blood in the party mix really helped smooth over the aweful taste of child abuse and flashbacks out of my mind.
It was a great evening.... we had one more guest who’s name I never remember.... met her twice but she hardly talks.... she’s like a little mouse in the corner.... Dest and Critter bought a karaokee machine and Lyndsey manned the music.... we had a good time....I avoided sad songs and we managed to get through.
I spent a couple days processing .... I was upset with Destiny.... and I reasoned that the friend on the phone needed her way more than me. Especially when I found out that the offender was 26!!! I was angry at her for telling his mother it wasn’t her fault.... when there had to be something she missed… something she saw and did nothing about. Some part of her son that she did not nourish that caused him to be “that way” at 26.... After talking with the girls about being upset with them I was let in on more info. The woman calling was Nyomi. Nyomi has been friends with Destiny since high school and is the only other “long term” girlfriend who has been around nearly as long as me. When she found out she nearly killed her own son. Beat him to inches of his life and her boyfriend stopped her just short of smashing his brains in with her boots. The cops were called and the officers told her “We aren’t here for you, I would have done the same.” Honestly, the 5 year old in me is pretty satisfied with that.
Lyndsey swears I was going to the car for something and altough she was wondering why I’d been gone so long and why I’d gone out twice..... she is super pregnant and just moving around is painful for her. I’m not trying to hurt anyone.....
Jake, however, had been sitting on the couch doing nothing. He couldn’t have been bothered to pop his head out to see if I was okay?.... We talked about it and I don’t feel better..... his responce was defensive and he said that I went off on him once for being in the kitchen.
He said that Cassie (his ex wife) laid into him once for following her outside. I investigated that right then and there. It was because he had caused the thing that made her angry. He literally followed the bomb outside and when the timer was up BOOM! He was right there to recieve it.... and now ” I have PTSD from that” .... okay but that wasn’t my fault.... the kitchen thing.... I was starting diner and he was having a snack. I was frustrated because he was in my way everywhere I turned.... he stood in the kitchen eating a snack.... I waited hopeful that he would atke the snack elsewhere but there he stood..... counter when I needed the space, sink when I needed water and even the middle of the room when I needed everywhere else. I did tell him to get the fuck out of the kitchen while I cooked.... wouldn’t call that a blow up though. Said as much....
Now, we haven’t had sex since, and I”m not sure I want to. There are 4 major issues I think must be addressed in relationships.... Finances, Intellectual stimulation, Emotional support, and Physical compatibility.
I”m unsure that I have ever had a man that fits all 4.... Jake and I have had no problems being physically compatable.... though he does like to “get down to business” when it comes to bedroom stuff. He does have interesting things to talk about.... most of which he saw on his FB feed. Financial support only happened because it could. He had money.... but I’ve asked him for $600 a month for rent and instead I’m taking $600 out of what I owe him every month.... which is not the same.... bills don’t get paid like that. ..... and emotional support.... I needed him and he didn’t show up. It kills me because the rest isn’t worth it. It feels like I’m putting in all the effort.... as usual. He swore it would be diffrent/better with him and it wouldn’t.
I’ve slept with him twice since.... no sex either time.... and supposedly I”m withholding.... not the case.... I just genuinely don’t want to have sex with him.....
SO..... after all that....
Yesterday morning I went to work. I’ve come up with a plan to get things in order, to get things paid up and I have no choice but to stick to it as I’m not ready to lose everything......
Then, 9am yesterday I’m working, SUV slips on ice … I’m pumping breaks and BAM the tail end of a flat bed truck in my radiator.... airbag deployed....
no work for me today and we are back to 3 grown adults and 1 car....
Pray for me.
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