My mom called.
She is cancer free.. Yay.. Did I write about that? My mom got cancer last summer. That was a fun convo with the kids.. It was after my cousin killed himself and before my grandpa died.. Anyway cancer free..
So then they did another test. Her heart is severely compromised and she needs open heart surgery... Like next week...
And then she casually drops so does her sister, But they havent yet because she has Parkinson's and they have to wait for THAT team to assess her. And that my other aunt, her younger sister, had to have emergency open heart surgery due to a heart attack and the SAME issues both she and her older sister have. For the record, my mom is one of 4 sisters and 4 brothers... two uncles are dead ( drug use and plane crash) and one sister no one talks to because shes fucking crazy. The oldest aunt and my mom are the only nono drug users. My grandma had this surgery too.
Guys, my mom was 24 when she had me... shes not that old. And shes not in great health no, But she has the same thyroid issues I have. Right. She was never tested for autoimmune disorders. And when I told her about MY heart condition, she freaked out, made my YOUNGER sister get tested, because fuck me and now she panics about my younger sister. Then casually mentioned, oh i have all those symptoms too. So my mom has the same autoimmune issues i do, and the same heart condition.. Im scared im going to die young.. I dont want my mom to die (fuck my crazy sister) but like. I try to be healthy, im in good shape. My mom isnt. She "dosent get it" because she gained so much weight from her thyroid. ( its why she dosent think she has the autoimmune issues) But im way more... particular about my die. IE im picky AF. But im not hella skinny either. Im a solid 155 and 5 ft 5. I could drop 5 lbs and be totally fine.
But im also like. I dont want to die. Ive only finally STARTED to find happiness. And my kids are getting older sure.. .But they arent grown ups ( no not even the 21yo) I lost 10 years to health issues and severe depression. I realize its not logical either.. And its probably projected strain and 100 other things. Idk I made an appt with my therapist for Monday. Im on maintenance/PRN so I figure this is a good reason to set it up even if I saw her like a week ago for a check in. We started talking about my forced codependency and T's control for so long and shes like OH SHIT this just MAKES SENSE. IDk if i should set a couples visit up but last one I felt really good and mostly we are doing better communicating. We even stop ourselves when we start to get hurt feelings... and walk away. Its different.
i dont know. Im so stressed. Its been a thing, We switched our payroll processor this week. I had to manually verify all 45 employees on the new system with TONS of data points. It took 3 hours. 3 fucking hours. Then HOURS of setting stuff up, waiting, fixing stuff. Only to FINALLY run payroll this am. ( the one we normally run on monday...) and half my people dont have checks. They promised in writing a same day deposit for EVERYONE. I got mine, Some people got theirs, some are pending. Not everyone has weighed in and im HOPING that is a good thing. Mine cleared at 6 pm. But its been SO much stress. I didnt KNOW it would be thisss badddd.
At the same time, we had a massive audit from the BHA ( behavioral health administration) they make me pull charts AND hr files to send to them. And they govern the company so we HAVE to comply by law. I mean our gal is sweet. Looks like shes 18, shes really in her early 30s and is a LCSW so at least she has the credentials to audit. But still. its a huge undertaking. I have to pull a ton of charts. Audit them. find missing stuff. Get it in the file. Checklists.. Its a thing. That was sent. Then she emailed me an said i was missing one. I had doubled up on another file. Easy to remote into my work station and send her the missing file.
Intern orientation is Monday and my mom is having surgery next week. T asked if I wanted to go to MN and be there. Put it on a credit card. We dont really have the flux cash for it... And I have so many obligations on new hire week... I have three meetings with each of them... and there are only 4 this time ( last time I had 12) But still. Its a lot in the next few weeks. Sure someone else could do it and if i need to, they will. But idk if me being there, at a hotel, NOT near my dumbfuck sister and her asshat husband, would really do me any favors.
I could swing into my billing manager's house lol. He lives like 2 hrs away.. Im his direct supervisor and we worked together when he was still in person. That was before I was over him.
I told my team about my mom and they told me to go. They are fine. I love they are so supportive. Im like.. i dont know what to do. Shes not healthy. Is the surgery risky? its her heart. She will die without, and could die with because of her health.
I fucking pulled a muscle in my hip what like 6 months ago. Fucking EDS. I hate being hypermobile. Its not "cool" to be this flexible. I stepped DOWN a ramp and pulled a muscle in my hip. It didnt heal right. Chat GPT tells me I need PT and support helps to keep my muscles stationary and stable. Like what, a pregnancy belt maybe? lol. The pull healed. There is residual damage now. Every time I sit down or rest. It locks up and gets inflamed. Then when I try to walk it causes a ton of pain, It loosens up when walking. If i could just walk non stop it wouldent hurt. TILL I lay down. I cant lay on my right side at all. It brings me to tears.. Yall i had 5 babies without pain meds. 2 10 lbers and 1 was 11.5 lbs. I pushed that bowling ball out my vag. I do NOT have a low pain tolorance.
Coupled with I stopped taking my T injections so I could reset. I was too high. So i stopped and its my first cycle off. Its SO heavy. Im bleeding through everything and passing huge clots non stop. Its "normal" because i threw my hormones into flux by stopping the T, which cut off my P and E.
Fucking BODY. Get over it.
my migraines are amping up. Stress? could be.
At least my shots are covered by new insurance. AND i use the discount card on it, so my copay is 25. And hilariously enough. The other 800 is charged to my deductible.. Even though the discount card pays for my migraine shots. So hilariously enough. Ill meet my deductible in about 4 months.
Guess what im doing?
Serializing myself! An ablation is a $500 surgical copay and thats IT. But it says sterilization services are covered 100% so i may actually see about a freaking hysterectomy. NO MORE DAMN PERIODS. according to my insurance plan, my copay for that is $75, But there may be a surgical fee. which is ... 500 bucks.
IE im going to get this stupid thing DONE. And yes Im aware of the menopausal possible issues. I already take hormones. Ill continue. Ok i dont this month. But soon.
Im 16 days off hormones. 2 more weeks and im starting again... :) Maybe sooner, TBH i feel pretty good right now physically. Minus the pain. I mean I operate on 4-5 hours of sleep max and stress levels that kill most people but whatevs im fine.
I guess I have a lot on my mind right now.. Instead of coping, or whatever. Im going to start a tiktok and make a bunch of random posts and graphics to go with my mood... seems like a plan?
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