I don’t know what to do
I get these instances of compelling urges to do things that don’t make sense. And, especially when I percieve that I’m making a decision that affects someone else, I hesitate. Hesitation is not a strong enough word-I freeze. Even that falls short of what I perceive happening.
It’s like I go totally brain dead. I leave this world - but not really. My attention just shifts to a different place. While it does that, I’m still completely aware of my paralysis in this physical plane. It’s what oppossums do, I wager. The attention is gone out of this plane, leaving a rank, “dead” carcas that is utterly inert to snuffling predators. All the energy, reaction, response, everything is gone. Devoid of life. Disgusted, the predator leaves.
But in that time, a choice is transpiring in my absence. I feel shame upon my return. I didn’t stay. Pain winds through my heart as I realize what I’ve done. What I’ve done is abandoned myself. I left in a critical moment. I fled.
And I’m so, so sorry for that. I’m also so compassionate for myself that I rejected myself yet again. Lack of acceptance. Lack of security. No conscious love for myself. That happened, but it’s okay.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix the damage. But I commit to presence. I commit to staying. It’s okay that I didn’t. But I choose different, now.
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