I am literally shaking right now with how pissed off and emotional I feel. I hate this. That my emotions can get the best of me. I can’t even have one simple conversation to better things and communicate without feeling like this. I want to release the pain and that for me is physical. I want to hurt. Physical pain is tangible. And I can make it stop. Emotional pain doesn’t stop. You having to fucking work through it don’t you? Like some arithmetic problem.
Its no one’s fault here. It was a simple conversation over things that needed to be talked about. But there was more that had me feeling so pissed off. I want to hit the wall. I want to take scissors and push into my skin. Does it have to penetrate? No, I just want the pain. I need to feel something physical. I have so much rage in me right now. I don’t know how get rid of it.
Why can’t I have peace? That’s it. I just want these emotions and feelings to go away. I don’t want to feel anything. Like floating in a pool and just drifting. That is all I want. I haven’t been journaling and I know I need to. This is my AA. This is my insulin. This is my dose to keep my thoughts at bay and to keep my depression back.
This was never anything bad towards him. The conversation was not centered on blame, but the lack of action on both our parts. He says I need to put more effort. I thought I had been. I guess I lost myself and I don’t know how to get back. I am not who I was when I was 18. I guess life jaded me a bit eh? I love watching romance stories and hearing about fairy tales, but I know for damn sure I don’t live in one. I know for damn sure that there is no happy ending. Not like in those dramas. But I love to watch them anyway. I love to see it. I love to feel those good emotions even if a little bit through a show.
Is it so bad to want those good emotions here? I don’t mind planning something. Do I have any imagination as to where? No. I am not good at picking destinations. I am good at planning when I am there. But I want to be surprised. I want to have someone just plan something special for me. I am good at waiting and enduring. I know that I can and will be ok. I just need to have patience and when I get through this slump and pick myself up again, I need to be able to stay on track. This is me falling off the bandwagon.
I hate this feeling. I hate giving in to it. I hate that it can overtake me and own me. I hate that my own mind can become my prison and worst enemy. That instead of having encouraging voices in my head, I hear all the negative. I pray, meditate and, work so hard to focus on the good stuff and all that we do have, but it always go back to the negative. Always.
I hate that. I hate depression, anxiety, and any other mental health disorders. You can’t cure them. You have to live with them and worst of all, your loved ones have to live with it too. I know that I’ll get over this, but here is the bottom line: I feel/am/think I am inadequate wife, mother, daughter, friend, and person overall. I feel lower than shit. I know I am not, but I feel it, and those thoughts win.
Thank God for this website and the fact that I can journal. Do people read this? Maybe, but most of all, it helps extract all the bad and keep it silenced for awhile. Now all I have to do is wait for the emotional hangover to happen. That part sucks too.
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