My husband has been feeling…depressed I want to say. His brother moved away to France, one of his best friends moved away to another state, his friends here don’t hang out as much. As it was, I don’t think I was doing much for him as far as making him happy with doing stuff to look forward to. I dunno. I just don’t feel like I am that kind of person. Usually when someone else plans something, I hop along. “Yeah that’s a great idea!” or “You do that, and I’ll go and get this to make it better!” But to say that I plan things....I can’t say that is my forte. I can plan once I have a heading. I planned out trip to South Korea and Japan earlier this year, but he gave me the heading. He said let’s go here, and we did.
But I don’t know how to be that flicker of sunlight in his world. Truth be told, I don’t think I ever did. He was always mine. And now when I know that he needs me, specifically for that, I don’t know what to do. Compound that with the fact that we can’t afford shit, our stuff broke recently around the house so what little money we did have we bled into there. I understand how he feels. You need to spend money in order to have a bit of entertainment in this world.
We don’t have any.
We haven’t even saved anything for our kids to do whatever when the graduate. Overall, I feel very shitty. I can’t keep my husband happy, we’re broke, and the only thing keeping me going is next October. That is when our car payments both stop. I am hoping, praying, expecting for that to be my ray of sunshine. Because I need to be able to feel down too. I need to be able to have my feelings and not worry about how mu husband will react to it. I need to vent. I need to scream. I want to. I want to run outside until my lungs burn and scream at the same time just to vent what is going on in my head.
Recently, I took the new puppy to the vet. I had to give her her medication. No one helped me with that. I work three days a week, but I also work on my days off. I do all the chores, go grocery shopping, laundry, and whatever else someone may ask of me. This isn’t our relationship is failing thing, this is a we need to do work on it thing, we have life hitting hard thing.
I am just going through the motions trying to survive, but I need a little something too, you know? Send me some peace. I can’t bring balance, when I don’t have it myself. I need balance too. I need to feel human affection and contact.
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