I hurt myself today to see if I still feel.
Sorry for the dramatic opening line, but it fits.
I am overwhelmed by all the free time that I have during my two-week holiday. I have ADHD, so if I am not doing something, then something bad is going to happen. I don’t make the rules.
Over the weekend, I felt like I was hit by a bus. I was bedridden. My body turned into lead. I swear it. My body got the signal that I had time to rest. It gave up trying to be strong. I suppose. I crashed out.
Last night, I admitted to myself that I was numbed out. I put on sad music to try to stir up my insides. I need to metabolise whatever I’m repressing. I wasn’t expecting much, but the grief from the loss of Jimmy is what came to the surface. He was the 11-year-old participant in my program who passed away over the summer. I have been going hard at work, trying to keep my program together and to be there for the rest of my boys. In case we need to know, I work at a nonprofit. My program works with indigenous males ages 6-12 who are in conflict with the law or at risk of coming in contact with the law.
How did he die? Is the first thing anyone says to me when I bring it up, so I hate bringing it up. I understand their curiosity, but I don’t want to remember him by how he died. How he lived is what I want to remember. This kid was tiny for his age. Puny. Our biggest kids were afraid of him. He was fearless. He didn’t let his size stop him, ever. We bought a bike his size for the program, but he never got a chance to ride it. We bought a metal detector for our program for him. He was our little forager. One of my last memories of him is when we played the bear song. He wanted to record it so he could play it for his brother. He was so gassed up about learning that song.
At his funeral, we gave his bundle to his little brother: a smudge kit, a handmade drum, and a drum bag. We ordered hampers for the year, and we continue to give his to his family. He was the man of the house.
I almost teared up when I was thinking about it. I swallowed it back down. So much for metabolising it. My roommate came home, so I had to. I don’t know how to make space for emotions anyway. Maybe I will paint something today or tomorrow.
Self-awareness is a double-edged sword. It’s very easy to hate on my roommate, but I know that I am just hating on myself. What I am actually polarising with, in my subconscious, is the pressure of school. It’s next month. It doesn’t feel like I am starting from scratch; I feel like I am picking up where I left off. Where did I leave off? It all fell apart on me. I didn’t know I had ADHD until I fell behind. The executive dysfunction was traumatising. I’m going to finish what I started, however. But now I feel the full weight of it when I don’t need to. I just need to feel the next step.
My friend is a life coach, I forget. She offered to help me, so I am taking her up on that. I have to admit that I need help.
My brain is a problem solver. It is trying to solve the problem. I feel like I am possessed by a demon on days like these. When I know better, but struggle to do better. I feel low, so it wants me to feel high. I feel pressure, so it wants me to feel release. Afterall, we are not hurting when we drink, get high, have that affair, make those purchases, binge those shows, etc. I filled my cart on Temu and almost made a purchase I don’t need. I can’t stop doom scrolling, looking for porn. That’s not true, I can stop. I did stop.
It’s the psychological bypassing that gets me. I seem to think that I can think my way out of it. Analysis paralysis. We all know the score. It’s been years of this.
My self-assessment sucks. This dopamine deficiency doesn’t let me feel accomplishments. Just relief when tasks are done. The road to get where I am has been painful and long, but I did it. And I can do it again. I suppose.
I needed to air this out, as per usual. I’m still in rest mode. I can’t fix that one. I carried a lot these last several months. I finally got to let go, so now I get to crash. I’ll have myself a merry little crisis this week. I need to move on with my day, though. What I feel I need, though, is a trip somewhere to enjoy nature. Just a little getaway so I can look at everything from a safe place.
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