There’s someone that I am madly in love with and have been for a long time. I’m steadily learning that our love languages are so different that when we reach emotional emptiness we crash and clash. We do whatever is necessary to hurt the other one because our nervous systems can’t take the pressure of not understanding the other.
Having JUST leaned that one thing has changed everything for me.
I grew up in a toxic environment. Every since I can remember I was trying to leave home. I was groomed into thinking that as long as I was in my room and quiet that my mom loved me. When I was visible and needed attention - I got into trouble. My step dad - who I didn’t know was my stepdad until I was 5 years old; took it upon himself to tell me without my mom being present. He was upset at her and told me that my biological dad didn’t want me and it was hard for him to look at me because I reminded my stepdad of him. That was tough for a 5 year old but I was cold enough emotionally to handle it - I thought. I was 5, what did I know about emotions. I only remember ever feeling curious about it. As I got older, he would use this against me to control me or get back at my mom for something they were fighting about. As a teenager I apparently reminded my stepdad of my biological dad and he would just be angry at me for anything. I would grow to resent him and not care to be around him.
So, I found myself self healing by music. The deep meaning in songs and the depth of soul that went into using music to express feelings - that spoke to me, and it still does. I would write what I wanted life to be like. I would gravitate to music that spoke to me. Gosh, love songs were my escape. I wanted to be loved so bad that I would literally feel what the music was saying. I was an 80s kid so there was a ton of this to hide myself behind a lyric. I was also gravitating to faith and the church as well because I had an uncle a few years older than I am that played in a church band. He would take me with him and so I began to take advantage of this avenue to get out of the house.
All this time, my deep nature to want to love is because that’s what I was wanting in return. Even to this day, if I don’t get back what I’m giving I have a tendency to walk away from relationships. I don’t do it without being hurt deeply though. I hate getting to know people on a deep level because once they don’t have time for me - I’m done. It affects me almost the same is if they died. Which is why I keep most everyone on a surface - we know one another and that’s it.
When I give and give to someone and am not getting back what I’m giving - I become emotionally drained and my nervous system shuts down. I get numb but I hurt on such a deep level that I shut down emotionally.
This doesn’t seem to affect anyone that doesn’t have much to do with me on a daily basis. But for the one person I have tried to love with everything in me has an entirely different language - the emotional emptiness comes around over and over to the point I’ll self destruct. It’s painful to want something and you are constantly giving what you really want in return only to find yourself in a relationship where they are comfortable taking it and have no clue they should be reciprocating.
I’m in a good place though. I have found a way to recognize what other’s language is. It’s easy to identify. What causes you the most anxiety and what do you fear the most? For the person I love, it’s service and task oriented. If they cook me a meal - that’s them saying - I love you. If they do my laundry - I love you. If I hold you longer than normal that’s me saying - I love you. If I gently graze your arm while we watch a movie - that’s me saying - I love you. When the person I’m in love with doesn’t spontaneously give me the same touch or affection then my brain goes into fear that maybe I’m not good enough. If the person I’m in love with doesn’t get their tasks finished then their brain goes into fear mode and they get anxious. When both of our tanks get empty we say and do things to hurt the other without understanding why - until now.
It makes me wonder if I had known this before falling for this person - would I want them in my life today? That’s a sobering thought.
What would life look like had I run into someone who gave the love I give? Who felt as deeply as I feel? Who said I love you the same way I say it?
Why don’t we learn stuff like this when we are teenagers? Haha
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