I’m speaking here because I don’t know what to say on Facebook. Which is a ridiculous sentence in so many ways. But… let me start with background.
Summer 2024- my little Shakespeare Troupe did Julius Caesar. We cross-cast because of the need for strong performers and I got to welcome “new friends” as Marc Antony and Brutus. I say “new friends” that way because… neither of them are new to THIS AREA acting. Heck, our Marc Antony was in Book Club Play with me a mere few months earlier. But I’d never worked with our Brutus before. She had a passion and a dedication that reminded me of me, lol. She cared about theater and wanted to make sure her performance was strong. I saw her again in Silent Sky where she affected a Scottish Accent and played a warm, if eccentric character. She auditioned for Much Ado About Nothing and was asked for a callback for Beatrice. Humorously, of the three performers that were called back for Beatrice- one previously played Brutus and one previously played Marc Antony! I previously wrote how I definitely had a preference as Benedick and, honestly, it was largely based on my comfort and familiarity with someone I’ve played against before. Unfortunately, when she didn’t get Beatrice, she didn’t accept a different role in Much Ado About Nothing and I hadn’t seen her since. They just announced today that she died on November 12th. She was only 37 years old. No cause of death was listed in the obituary; but her parents did indicate “Instead of flowers; please send remembrance donations to The Trevor Project”..... which.... perhaps I’m reading too much into it but suggests to me that she may have taken her own life.
When I got the text, I was shocked and couldn’t stop my tears from falling. I was still in a Conference Session so… very much the “allow a few tears than straighten up”. But I kept texting with friends and colleagues. I’ve only been in this area for theater for 5 years. Most of my friends and colleagues in theater have been doing this for much longer and so knew her much better. And… while I knew her, and her death is shocking, and surprisingly got me in the heart enough to cry.... I’m.... too much in my head about it.
I would consider her a theater friend but.... we didn’t hang out. We didn’t get drinks, or chew the fat, or make time for one another. And yet… I absolutely consider our Beatrice a friend and the same can be said, for the most part. We don’t share time outside of the theater. So… I get in my head. Her friends are posting memories and photos and… I’m.... speechless. I want to honor her memory and remark upon her passing but.... I don’t have any right to. And yet I do. We were colleagues. We enjoyed talking Shakespeare when we spoke. She was a passionate performer… that alone makes us more connected than most of the people I interact with daily.
And I admit, a twisted selfish shock. My Facebook feed didn’t suddenly shift into Memorials. There was no sudden swell of people remarking upon her passing. Just a few of the diehards. I’m shocked and a little dismayed. You would think that her passing would have.... made more of an impact. Especially at 37 years old!
And… a part of my shock and horror is because… I do think about it. I think about it a lot, actually. I don’t expect the Iowa Bar Association to note my passing in anyway when it happens. I’m… kind of banking on the theater community to notice and grieve. And yes… I’ve done 11 shows in 5 years here. And I intend to keep working my ass off to be a part of local theater. I’m not “done” yet. But this kind of a death makes me take pause and take notice. With my world as it is currently.... I spend a lot of time considering my legacy. It’s… some shitty criminal prosecutions........ and whatever my work in the theater has meant. When I die.... will Prosebox friends/readers even know? Even care? Will it make an impact? Will the local theater remark the occasion and have a moment of silence or will it be a short Obit and nothing. “Mr. Christopher is survived by his niece. He will be remembered for his career and theater work. In lieu of flowers, please send donations to Local Theaters.”
This is heavy.
That said… it feels inappropriate to end this the way I am going to. So… forgive me in advance.
The girl who works at the casino texted. I’m… admittedly… focusing on her body (which I am very interested in) and wanting to authentically get to know her.... so we set up a date for Thursday night. I also got another Meet Up Match Maker e-mail. I will reach out to her to see if we can’t schedule something for this weekend. I am self-aware enough to know that… this may all be connected. The loneliness of the Conference, the horniness of 1 Year Celibate, the knowledge of how painfully slammed I am at work (and will remain so), this sudden death of a passionate theater friend younger than me. I… yeah. I don’t want to waste time. If I’ve got “potentials”, I want to see if something is actually there. If not? That is going to suck and I am going to vow right now that I won’t force it. Just… be open to whatever, see if something develops or not, but stay on guard. Don’t let… loneliness, horniness, depression, or death impact your perspective. If you can.
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