So… originally, I couldn’t access any of my work stuff. So, I brought up ALL the journals I wanted to catch up on. Then I got a phone call, and not only did my office fix it so that I could access everything I needed but… it resulted in a reboot of the computer. SO… I will… attempt to catch up when I can. AND I desperately hate saying that because being this busy as a default is no way to live. But I am still at the training conference. So, from 8 am to 5 pm, I’m in meetings regarding changes to the laws. And then I have to make sure I’m not getting too insanely far behind in my actual work. Which… isn’t going great. LOADS of e-mails, of course, and I have 6 trials the day I return to work from this conference. IN OTHER WORDS: my week is fucked!
That being said? I didn’t have access to my office shit so I didn’t have the pressing crippling anxiety of how much I have to do. No, Sunday night was mostly.... me by myself at the Training Conference which has historically been challenging for me. No matter where I was. As long as I was staying at a hotel, resort, etcetera… the “being here alone” tends to settle into me.
Last night after dinner and everything, I came back to my room and attempted to sleep. Sleep wouldn’t come. So I scrolled through the various places to scroll. Facebook. Instagram. Snap Chat. Pintrest. Hinge. Tinder. Match. Coffee Meets Bagel. Boo. Prosebox. Tik Tok. And, as should come as no surprise… it was bloody depressing. Tinder now says there are three women who like me, but I’ll have to give them money to discover who!! Coffee Meets Bagel says there is a woman who likes me, but I’ll have to give them money to discover who!! And… it is tempting to the point of embarrassment. I’m smart enough to know it is a scam. I’m smart enough to know that this is exactly how these predatory algorithms work. They didn’t give me fuck all when I was a paying member but now that I’m not paying, look at the opportunities… but only if you pay. And it’s a fucking racket. But there is a voice inside of me that says, “Fuck your pride. You’ve already spent so much on trying to get a partner this year and the best you’ve fucking managed is two dates. Two Dates with a Jewish Princess you really liked who stopped texting back. Two Dates with a Tattooed Smoker who might be getting indicted soon. ARE YOU HONESTLY SAYING YOU’RE TOO PROUD TO FALL FOR A SCAM just to see if there’s anything there?!
Which is a depressing place to find oneself.
But try as I might… I couldn’t shake the feeling. And TikTok was, as ever, full of its mixed messages.
- “It’s okay to acknowledge being alone is harder during the holidays. Don’t feel bad if people judge you for acknowledging that these times can be a little harder solo.”
- “Why the fuck do men think that they deserve a woman’s respect? Like fucking ever?!”
- “If you’re feeling pain, if you’re feeling alone… don’t berate yourself for it. I know that you are tempted to just be harder on yourself and think there must be something more I can do! but… you don’t earn a relationship. If you had to earn it? It wouldn’t be healthy anyway.”
- “So, an honest question that I think might solve the biggest problems in dating- DO MEN EVEN LIKE WOMEN? It seems that men don’t like women at all anymore!! Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who you don’t even like?!“
- “One of the biggest lies single adults hear is you have to work on yourself before you can find a partner. Obviously, this is a lie. How many people do you know that haven’t worked on themselves at all but have a partner? I’m not saying it’s healthy, or appropriate, or for the best… but it acts as absolute proof that the palliative useless statement is wrong. Nobody is required to work on themselves in order to get a relationship. Relationships are not rewards for achieving something. This mindset is toxic to you because it suggests you’ll never be enough, you’ll always need to work more, you’re never GOOD ENOUGH until you’ve worked on yourself enough to find a partner and it is toxic to any future relationship because it robs your partner of autonomy or sense of self I’ve worked on myself enough that I deserve your affection, your time, and your consent!. It’s all wrong!”
- “Men: Have you noticed the uptick in women saying they won’t date a man under six feet tall? Have you noticed the uptick in women saying they’re the prize so you need to be worthy of them? Have you noticed the uptick in women only dating ONE KIND of man and then saying that ALL MEN are trash?”
And on and on and on.
NO JUDGEMENT because if you don’t understand… I can’t help you understand. It’s like.... why is my favorite painting Turning Road at Montgeroult by Paul Cézanne but your favorite painting is The Night Watch by Rembrandt Harmenszoon van Rijn? It’s just something that speaks to us or lives inside of us. I’ll not judge you for your taste and person.
I want someone to share my life with emotionally.
I want someone to share my life with intellectually.
I want someone to share my life with spiritually.
I want someone to experience various things together.
I want someone with whom I can enjoy the subtle romance of holding hands or the steaming passion of orgasmic fucking.
AND.... as hard as the whole damned process was from 15 to 21? It is ever so much more difficult past 40!
I finally drifted off to sleep sometime around 3 a.m. Only to rise and dress and go about my day.
And I don’t know if it was the clothes, or the sitting around all day, or what it may have been.... but I have not felt this fat, disgusting, and unattractive in a very long while. The fat is what horrifies me most. And I know that I am ultra susceptible to that. My father was disdainful of the fat phots of my brother as a child. My ex-wife was fat phobic to a truly destructive and devastating level. She hated her own fat to the point of self-loathing and she hated my fat to the point of disgust and disdain; but didn’t hate either enough to help or do anything… just hurt, say mean things, withhold affection, show visible disgust to be in her own skin or to be wanted by the disgusting freak in my skin. And for decades I was the thin one but… chronic pain, alcohol, chronic pain, a breakneck 18 hour a day schedule for many many years… the stress of Law School, Work, Studying for the Bar, moving, moving again, working a hateful job, moving again, working a hateful job, moving again, moving again, working a decent but stressful job, difficulty in marriage counseling, divorce, COVID, moving again..... my body has gone through it with cortisol alone!
So… I have decades of being shown how I have zero value and am, in fact, a disgusting fat unlovable obese sack of fat worthless shit..... despite knowing how I got here and why my body went fun house mirror after the age of 20. But “reason” in one hand; and hatred and disdain from those who “love you” in the other… and see which one weighs more.
And here’s what is disturbing and disgusting… while I am walking around the conference, and the downtown of the most populace area of the state? Women walk by that grab my eye to my surprise and against my conscious thought. I’ll just think, “Hey! That’s.... oh. Okay. That’s my type, I guess.” As repeatedly it is.... a brunette white woman with longer hair, under 5‘4, with glasses, or an open nerdiness to them. I’m.... still seeking Nancy? I guess. Or maybe I’m just reaffirming that Nancy was my physical preference and.... I need to come to terms with the fact that..... I didn’t attract Nancy. She wasn’t attracted to me. I can’t possibly hope to attract someone like Nancy when I never attracted her in the first place!
AND I try not to wallow but… my mind turns to.... what I have instead.
I have dozens of work e-mails to return; several of them from people threatening me and hoping that I will be sued, jailed, or fired.
I have The House Project that has truly become my living metaphor.... I keep thinking “if only I finish the house, than I can move on to the next step, and eventually I will be worthy of love and affection”.
I have the everything else about the job demanding to take at least 10 hours a day for the rest of the year.
I have.... little to no hope of actually achieving anything, really. And that’s depressing and melodramatic and weak and bullshit and.... if I said any of this aloud, I would receive ridicule or physical violence. And I can’t say it wouldn’t entirely be wrong.
“From midnight to 4: 00 AM is the loneliest time in the world. Because for those of us too sad to sleep, the only thing we have to look at is an empty bed, and the only thing we have to think of is every single person who didn’t want to fill it tonight.”
― Lone Alaskan Gypsy
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