I feel like I’m coming off a 5-day reset, not just a fast.
The other night, I had a dream in which an entity was possessing my body. It woke me up, just as it was entering. I was convulsing and making audible noises. My roommate told me that she heard it. My dream was nothing extraordinary. People in a room started to run away screaming, then I felt something come over me. I felt fear and shame as it knocked me over and woke me up. I fell asleep thinking about how possessed I felt over my 5-day fast. I could not peel myself away from my phone. I clocked an average of 7.13 hours of screentime. I purged my phone of all social media apps. I added an extension to my browser to block adult content. I am now detoxing from my phone as well.
I had to return to my life, of course. My defenses are down. I’m being an asshole. I’m walking around work with my foot in my mouth. I’m forcing myself to be myself. I’m performing. I’m used to having to edit myself. I’m a masker. However, this is not what this feels like. I’ve been down this road before. I ended up with severe imposter syndrome the last time. Everyone was identifying me as someone that I no longer was.
I was looking forward to today. I was ready to force myself to do things that I do not feel like doing. As I was doing that, the discomfort won. I’m running on empty, after all. My brain doesn’t have dopamine. Cue the emotional dysregulation.
I was listening to my music from the 2000s. Then I had a thought that shook me. I guess it’s time to heal my inner teenager. That is when every single emotion that I ever had suppressed washed over me like a tsunami. It wasn’t so bad. I didn’t fight it. I gotta learn to ride the wave.
I rested for a little bit. Then decided to ground myself the only way I know how. Sit down with my black book. It’s my agenda book and budget book. I can’t risk first-degree burnout. I went over my budget. Changed my cell phone and internet plans to something more cost-effective. Gonna fight with a few more things shortly. Then go out and do something. I don’t want to be couped up. That 5-day fast felt like solitary confinement.
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