Yesterday was long and full of terrors
English does not have the requisite words to encapsulate how miserable I was yesterday. I had a horrible sleep, so I knew it was going to be bad, but I didn’t think it would be that bad. My emotional immune system was down. I was feeling the full weight of everything. All my scars were open. I locked myself in my office and spent the day trying to process it all. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.
It’s all data. I have to remind myself. What I’m feeling and thinking is showing me what I care about and what my values are. Be kind to yourself. I also have to remind myself. This isn’t evidence of me failing. It is okay to experience these thoughts and feelings. It’s not wrong.
I have a big personality in real life, so when Humpty Dumpty falls, it’s hard to put me back together again. I’m in my vindictiveness and spite era, so my personality privileges are revoked until further notice. I had to do an intake yesterday, that is the only time I came to life. We cancelled our programs for the week, because we have to be ready to move at a moment’s notice. Seeing my kids would be healthy for me, so next week I am going to move mountains to make sure that I can see them.
I want to take the high road and be the bigger person. I want to forgive Virginia for betraying me. Personal wellness was a value between me and my coordinator. I want to support him in his new role. I want to want to, I should say. Let it all burn. Is where I’m at right now.
I feel used up and cast aside. I feel unappreciated and unrecognized. I built that program from the ground up. I did the work, and my coordinator got the salary for it. He got all the fame and glory. The only people who witnessed it are gone. My coordinator was reading off some of the stats for our annual report yesterday. It’s glorious. It was all me. I had to coordinate him. I just packed our program, and he did nothing to support me through it. Didn’t even thank me. I really do just want to quit. That’s where I am at. I want to quit and go work somewhere that appreciates me. The gag is, I’m not going to be appreciated anywhere I go. That’s just work culture. You’re here for the community, Tom, you big bloated bitch. You’re not here for the organization.
Today, I am rested. I can cope better. I took tomorrow off from work. Yay, another long weekend with Toni. Toni is my roommate. I never say her name on here. Don’t stop, never give up. Hold your head high and reach the top. Let the whole world see what you have got. Bring it all back to you.
It wasn’t that long ago, I woke up from a dream and felt excited about life. I understood my god like power of responsibility. My capacity to respond is finite, but my ability to respond is infinite. I am response able. So I’m going through the dark night of the soul. I am in the middle of a process. I am a process. I am an event. I’m chasing security in a cosmos that is not secure. The universe is a vast process. The same energy that turns the sky makes my heart beat. Life is a dance, and I need to learn to be its dance partner. Learn to flow with life, instead of trying to control it. One of the lessons I am learning here is that action is not the solution. I always have to be doing something. I need to learn to do nothing. The old version of myself that was built on survival is dying. I’m just in the thick of it. These are birthing pains, not just growing pains.
I’ve had enough of this diatribe. I need to move on with my day. I need to move on with my life. I could have worse problems. I have great problems. I don’t want to trade my problems.
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