We are moving our office at the end of the month. I spent my last two shifts packing up my program. It is 80% done. My coordinator played with his guitar for those two days.
We have an annual report due next week. We have a 100k grant to apply for as well. He played on his guitar. He missed the deadline for the multi-year grant that I set up for him. That was a 600k mistake. He has a chance to redeem himself here, but we will see.
I woke up feeling the PTSD I have from last October with him. I started halfway through September. We had a surplus to spend by the end of October. At the end of October, he was standing on ceremony because everyone was telling him that he did his best. I burst his bubble.
I told him 4 weeks before we had to spend our surplus that we were past the point of planning and needed to be executing. He didn’t even have a plan. I came up with the plan, and he ended up needing to backdate invoices. I cleared his schedule so he could work on the annual report the week before it was due. He started it the day after it was due. We showed up to do an open house with nothing. He was told a week before to have it ready. He was told twice that he needed to grow our numbers, get more participants in the program. That is when I noticed that people couldn’t even apply! Our program didn’t have a page on our organization’s website. Our brochure also needed to be updated. All financial planning came from me. I even used my own funds to help speed that along. I designed our webpage and updated our brochure. I ordered us merch and a banner, and a tablecloth so we could have a booth. I told him off at the end of the month once he told me that the higher-ups were proud of him for doing his best. He was playing his guitar and hiding from his responsibilities. I know ADHD paralysis when I see it. He was putting his head in the sand while everything piled up.
It was more of that for the rest of the year. He buckled under the pressure in January. He tried to go on stress leave. I talked him out of it. He’s had some growth, but nowhere near enough. I have been coordinating him. Keeping us on task. All the while, the part-time mentor was coming and going as he pleased, while our boss moved mountains for him so he didn’t have to face any of the consequences. The PT mentor was dating his sister. He quit recently. My coordinator had unlimited wellness and banked time that he cashed in to avoid the kids and the program.
Little did I know, this was bothering people in the office who were witnessing all of this. Virginia stabbed me in the back on her way out, but she also told them all about this. Threw my coordinator under the bus also. They saw me abandoned, scrambling to coordinate my programs with the kids. The new management sees me for what I am worth, and they were ready to hand me my program but… they don’t trust me now, thanks to Virginia. She quit; they are transferring my coordinator to run that program. He can be accountable for himself now. I get to watch someone else take over my program that I built from the ground up.
In the meantime, he still has to submit that report. He still has to apply for that grant. I sent him a list of potential funders, but he let that get lost in the shuffle. This is the season to apply for them all. I was told that I needed to step back; they need to know where his job ends and mine begins. I can only sit back for so long before everything piles up. Before some of our kids get forgotten. He saves that planning for the last second. I put a massive pile of his paperwork by his desk and told him that he needs to sort that out before he leaves my program, too. He played his guitar the last two shifts. He has a meeting tomorrow about when he takes over the next program. He is going to drop the ball.
I am not writing that report or applying for any funding. If you want me to do coordinator work, give me the coordinator title. This is what I will be saying as I draw very strict boundaries once he leaves.
Yesterday, it was my roommate’s ADHD that was eating away at me. This started on Saturday at the gym. Someone left their shoes and water bottle by the door. I know ADHD when I see it. This is one of those things that we think is a cute quirk. It was a tripping hazard. These are the creeple who forget their kids in the car, who forget they are cooking and burn the house down. These creeple only think about themselves. I’m high functioning, yes, but I am also aware that my rigidness is still ADHD. It’s just the other side of the coin. These creeple haunt me. They’re spectres. They’re phantoms of everything I don’t want to be. It’s fine when there is distance, but people like my boss and roommate? They’re pouring chaos into my container. They’re getting the benefits of the order and stability I build everywhere I go. This energy is never returned, leaving me a bitter little Capricorn.
Self-awareness sucks. Can’t I just also exist in a way that is only about myself? I can be a 40-year-old teenager so easily. The way I see the world is the way I see myself. The world is rife with weak characters who make bad choices and then play the victim.
I have the day to myself. I can breathe. I am going to fast today. I’m so frustrated with my gut health, the inflammation. I scheduled acupuncture for it tomorrow. On my stomach, this is going to be great… NOT. I am booking colon hydrotherapy also. I don’t get to meet my new naturopath until January, so I have to tie myself over. Ugh.
Ok, I aired this out. Gotta move on.
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