Ever wake up blissed out?
I took a little bit of time off from work so I could look at my situation from a safe space. Thursday was my first day back at the office. I was feeling so low. I was so miserable it physically hurt. I started the day with our monthly pipe ceremony. I’m a little popular, so it was nice to see people happy to see me. Then my bestie’s husband picked me up, and we went and did a community walk. He is a veteran, and his PTSD affected his work, so he is a stay-at-home dad. He is stir crazy and wants something to do.
It can feel like we are in a war-torn country when we do those walks, I warned him. Jonah attended the pipe ceremony and got stuck there, so someone else led the walk. We had to call first responders twice and reverse an overdose once. It was eventful, but he wants to do it again on Tuesday. Once he is comfortable enough, he will start going without me.
I dropped off a few hampers before I left work early. The headache was too much. One of my participants passed away a couple of months ago, but we still give his family his hamper. We will continue doing that until the end of December. His mother gave us a necklace with his ashes in it. I was so touched I almost cried. He really loved our program.
Between the ceremony and the walk and that necklace, it was all very taxing on my fragile little nervous system. At the office, I could barely speak. I had such a headache. I was also just upset about everything still.
Thursday night, I decided to add a nighttime routine. I am also trying to apply what my therapist suggested when I saw him on Wednesday. I decided that I will do nofap to measure my success with it. I can’t win that war; I am just going to have to win that battle every single day and procrastinate watching porn.
I woke up yesterday morning feeling blissed out. All of my problems felt so small. The world felt so big. Life was nothing but opportunities. The universe felt like it was on my side. Is this life with dopamine? It didn’t last, but nothing should. My mood didn’t go south yesterday. I got to see my kids for program, which was perfect. My coordinator reminded me to bring my guitar so he could replace the strings for me. That’s playtime for him. We had the whole office to ourselves. I packed up 90% of our stuff for the move at the end of the month. That’s playtime for me.
The night before, I dreamt that I was in a brand new apartment. I was setting it up. The novelty from that dream is probably what made me wake up feeling excited about life. I also had a deep conversation with Cathy, a deadly auntie at work, but I couldn’t tell you what she said to me, but I felt so gassed up. I still do.
I have been trying to work on keeping everything to myself. Do not let any focus seep out. But, I had to open up a little bit to my coordinator. He is leaving my program to take over another. I was supposed to take over our program, in turn, but that isn’t happening now. This is why I am very upset. I built that program from the ground up, and now I get to watch them give it to someone else. Death by a thousand cuts. I asked him to advocate for me. I am going to talk to his boss and plead my case. I have to fight for this now.
Today, we take the kids to do some archery. Then my weekend starts. It can’t come fast enough. I have a lot to do on my end. I won the battle with nofap again yesterday. A pretty little thing walked into the gym yesterday, and I couldn’t stop thinking about them, so it was pretty challenging. Today is day 3. I should move on with my day then.
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