My grandpa died today.
We knew it was coming. He entered a diabetic coma a week ago, then woke up after 4 days, surged and entered hospice two days ago, they medicated him well and then he had another coma which lasted 48 hours. Then kinda came to. And passed at 10 30 today. My mom called me in the middle of my manager meeting and I ran out the door. I figured she wouldent call me for any other reason...
I had a hysterical sob cry in the parking lot. Then pulled myself up, compartmentalized everything and went back into my meeting. I did my job, My work bestie whispered are you ok. I shook my head and she immediately messaged me what happened. We both use our computers during that meeting so no one thinks anything of us typing.
I told her and she hugged me after the meeting. I got a baby kick haha. Shes close to being ready ot have her baby. I teared up a bit and then went back to work.
Its day two for my newest receptionist, and day 9 for the other one. I entered first training with the newest gal. So It was a focus, plus an insurance audit and a few other BIG things going on... New medicare policies came down, Medicaid budget cuts handed down. Lots of shit that we need to figure out...
In my End of day email I told my CEO what happened and she was like holy shit HOW did you do that... I am the queen of radical acceptance and compartmentalizing. Not only that... I mask like every other neurospicy person. If I dont WANT you to see my feelings, you wont. You see them when my mask slips or the armor cracks.... And I dont let that happen. Even now...
T brought me lunch because he knew I wouldent eat. I ate the whole food shockingly some snacks.
I ate all my dinner, two ice cream cones an a bowl of ice cream. I dont often feel THAT hungry. But tonight I really was. He told me regardless of the outwards appearance, he knows im feeling super stressed.
I posted a little nod on facebook. People say im really cold. Im not, I just keep things inside. Sop just a nod, He always joked whats for dinner, candy cake and ice cream. So I posted that. And had two bowls of ice cream. Ill go to bed, cry, and then put it all back inside.
The armor goes on, the mask stays in place. Im not sure that I know how to be anything but this anymore...
I sometimes wonder if i can even feel emotion like a normal person at all.
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