Obviously, I use this space to keep from going mad. I think that’s clear. I think that is perfectly clear; but I realize few if any who may read this actually know me outside of this space. Trust, I use this space to keep from going mad! That said, I put a lot of dark, negative, unfortunate, and true but bad things into these pages to prevent them from festering in my soul. And considering the people I encounter? And how a lot of them apparently live to infect their own madness on others? This space is required for my health.
That said, because of how I use this space, I do not often state positive things here. And “positive” admittedly is subjective and frankly… in a downpour, a rubbish bin can be a positive as it covers from rain. So… today, for the most part, my afternoon of hearings not being a giant shitshow is a positive! SO… my hearings only having one really “bat shit” person? That’s a positive. And I am actively fighting my brain when it screams, “Contemplate what you just said! Only dealing with one batshit crazy person today made your afternoon ‘better than expected.’ How suck does your life have to be for only ONE batshit crazy person to be considered such a remarkable improvement?!” TRYING to fight that. Just… focusing on the positive.
Of course then… shit… goes… sideways because of course it does in this job!
Jury Trial that was supposed to be continued next week? Sudden emergency hearing because the Meth Addict isn’t sure if he wants to follow his attorney’s advice or not.
Dunk dude that picked a fight with the cops is demanding a jury trial and demanding a hearing tomorrow at 3 p.m. sharp! so we have to respond in some fashion.
Then? I get a weird one.
Person calls the office. They are looking for “whichever prosecutor is dating a visually impaired person.” Well, even though it no longer is accurate- that’s likely me. But they couldn’t figure that out and just took a message. And… it gets weirder and more complicated.
Hermia’s Aunt on her father’s side called my office to tell me to tell Hermia that her father is dead. The father Hermia very strongly did not have a relationship with. SO… an extended family member tried to call me, whom she had never met, at my office, which is a government attorney’s office, in order to see if I could tell my ex-girlfriend that her estranged father had died. Which certainly puts me in a weird place because.... I haven’t had contact with her in months (and for good reason). So… do I text her out of the blue to tell her that her Aunt needs to talk to her? Do I text her to tell her that her father is allegedly dead? Do I ignore the whole thing as “not my circus?” What would be the ethical and morally upstanding thing to do? Should I at the very least text her saying “Your aunt called my office trying to get in contact with you. I do not give out people’s numbers to strangers; but she left the following phone number to contact her __?” I don’t know. I don’t want to open that box of chaos right now as I already have so many OTHER chaos boxes open right now! (He sees, side eyeing the 16 e-mails he still needs to return if he has any time at all to do that in the next three days.)
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Rehearsal… went. They removed one of my bits in the scene that is supposed to be funny. But I got some laughs from the official photographer- so… that’s something.
Interesting thing? This is… I should feel worse about my approach to this show. I’m not sitting here, building a character, growing the reality of my performance. I’m literally just… making sure I hit a mark, say a line, and keep the show going. Now… it is still acting, it is still a performance, I am still doing what I love. BUT… this is not one of my best performances by far. And a part of me feels like I should feel worse about that. But I don’t. I just… I feel like… I am doing what I was cast to do. The directors know they don’t have to work aggressively with me to get me “where I need to be.” I won’t be turning in an Academy Award Performance with my 60 lines… but they know that I will show up and do what I need to do.
I just… need to make sure I find some time to sleep properly. I need to be into work FUCK early tomorrow due to just… all the Jury Trial shit going on. I will need to go into the office over the weekend because of all the fucking Jury Trial shit going on. So… I just… need to find some time to rest and spend time with my dog in the next 9 days.
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