Now With Additional Non-Tweetener in I Can't Believe It's Not Twitter™... Spray!

Some of the tweets below, I’ve slightly expounded on in [brackets]. You’re under no obligation to read the expanded content (or, indeed, any content whatsoever. You are still your own person.)

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Me: ::click Download::
Amazon: “Download our Downloader app!”
Me: “No… just download it with whatever you’d use to download the Downloader.”

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The country Saint Lucia should really be called Isle of Lucy.

[I first heard the name “Isle of Lucy” on This Is Spinal Tap.]

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Expedia: “Hey, you booked a cheapo motel in Tennessee through us recently, so why not check out this swanky resort in Cancun?”

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Hearing someone in line for Rifftrax, talking about “the old stuff” of a YouTube series that started in 2010. Is 2010 old stuff already?!

[Note: I understand how this could be, however; I remember in 1994, things from 1990 seemed “old.” ::pause:: Actually no, not even then did I think that. Not in the same context that they meant this, I don’t think.]

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Dear site that claims to list things to do that are “free/cheap”: anything costing over half a day’s pay is not cheap.

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Knowing is half the battle. The other half is a dance-off.

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I have to be in a particular mood to enjoy certain types of music. And that mood is “I’m so happy I can even enjoy annoying types of music.”

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ICYMI: ICYMI means “In Case You Missed It”, not “I Criticize Your Many Indiscretions.”

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Next time I try a new, unique, sophisticated food, I’m going to say “I think I just grew up a little in my mouth.”

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I’m sorry your $650 GPS couldn’t find this address; my $20 atlas had no problem.

[Seriously though, as someone who’s been a fan of gadgetry and electronics for at least 33 years of his life, even I think we are becoming a little too dependent on electronics. Please note that I didn’t specify “technology”, since that just means applied science. Books are technology, by that definition. But books function on their own. They are a passive technology. Whereas a GPS, and other digital media is potentially transient, which is potentially problematic. Just this past week my wife lost a ton of pictures on her phone because the SD card went bad. She’s been trying to slowly restore them, but the point is, she was confident that they would just be there, and just like that, their existence is in jeopardy. (I know, there are fires and floods and entropy in general, but if we go down that road we’re just going to curl up into a ball and hum tunelessly. Or, y’know, not.]

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Twitter: “Do you know Dalai Lama on Twitter?”
Me: “Before one knows someone on Twitter, they must first know themselves.”
Twitter: “So, no.”

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Why do tickets to plays cost hundreds of dollars nowadays? Back in Shakespeare’s day, even poor people could afford to see first-run plays.

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Don’t be fooled: Despite their name, restaurants will kick you out of their “Bottomless Brunch” if you don’t wear pants.

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On the back of my bottled water’s label is a blank area marked “Express Yourself!” FINALLY, a proper venue. No need for Twitter any more…

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In the right context, a lot of food terms sound healthy: “This week for my workout I’m focusing on my altoids, my glutens, and my pectins.”

[Speaking of Altoids, I don’t recall whether I’ve mentioned it here or not, but I’ve cut aspartame from my diet, of which I previously had been ingesting on a reguar basis. (Altoids being just one such example.) The biggest change has been on my drinking habits, as before I used to drink any and all diet soft drinks, but now I will only drink ones that either have natural sweeteners or Splenda. Which some claim is no better than aspartame, but it has fewer red flags, so I’m sticking to it until I think of a better plan.]

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I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I’m starting to think this person isn’t going to reply to my email I sent three years ago.

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I doubt most people actually like the flavor of a pumpkin. We just like the sugar, cinnamon, and nutmeg that goes with it.

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“Ask a stupid question, get five hundred sarcastic and angry answers.” - Old internet forum axiom.

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A completed project that fails is a more impressive feat than a thousand great ideas that never happen.

[I need to hang this on a wall somewhere. Preferably a wall I’ll see. Because I often forget the truth of this. Though it may be exaggerated, since c’mon, a thousand distinct ideas? That’s still a little impressive. So… maybe it should say a hundred great ideas that never happen.]

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Errghonomics: the study of sitting down on and standing up from furniture with minimal strain and/or guttural noises.

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Down with ambiguity!
Are you?

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You may see waving me on as a friendly gesture. I see it as you thumbing your nose at established right-of-way laws and playing traffic god.

[I swear, one of these days I am going to make a concise, detailed, unambiguous YouTube video explaining in condescendingly pedantic detail how “right of way” works at intersections and why. And then hope that it goes viral among the people who drive near where I live.]

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Opinions are like Homeland Security DNA files: everyone has one.

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Something I recently discovered: Some websites, when they give you an “Upload Image” dialogue, will accept a copy-and-pasted URL.

[Seriously, this is cool, you should try it sometime. I used to have to download a picture to my computer so I could turn around and upload it again (after finding where it downloaded to), but this cuts out the middle-man entirely. It probably still downloads it to temporary files, but whatever.]

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Olive Garden: “$100 for 7 weeks of pasta!”
Me: “Who would be stupid enough to subject themse–”
Olive Garden: “–Sorry, we’re sold out now.”

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If you dismantle a baby grand piano and turn it into a table because you “don’t need another piano,” I don’t know if we can be friends. o_O

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It’s mildly frustrating to realize that the meal I made from scratch last night ended up costing about the same as just grabbing carryout.

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Music is the most accessible form of time travel.

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Breaking large projects into small chunks can make it less daunting, unless your project goal was small chunk removal.

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Public: “We don’t want to be charged to upgrade to Windows 9!”

Microsoft: “Fine. Introducing Windows 10…“

[Seriously though, did you hear about this? Apparently they’re skipping Windows 9 entirely. I think they just want to be caught up with Mac’s OS X. Their numbering system is arbitrary anyway, considering they stopped using iteration numbers with Windows 3.11, and didn’t start using them again until Windows 7. And by then, Windows 7 was technically not the 7th version of Windows anyway. But I digress.]

I had more, but this’ll do for now.

Last updated November 24, 2014