Do I feel?
It’s an odd longing. Mixed in with an inability to demand it.
I used to feel bad, or guilt, for wanting to feel better. I felt guilt as a matter of self protection. If I had betrayed my sadness at being mistreated in any way to the people around me who were treating me badly, and capable or horrific brutalities, I probably would have been brutalized if not killed.
And it’s not just being hurt that harmed me. It’s that my capacities might never be reclaimed. I could be brain damaged. I could lose a limb-or an eye-go blind or be crippled in some other way. I could just be disfigured so that I wouldn’t be attractive. Any of these things would greatly impede my ability to get away when I could.
But now, I feel a desire for true caring. To know that my feelings matter and are welcome - sought after! That my receiving openness is irresistible and inspiring.
And also a willingness to accept that I may feel this desire without ever having it be fulfilled.
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