pics always seem to happen after I’ve already started my whatever journey I’m doing.
It’s not very scientific of me.
But, it does seem to be largely a chronic pattern. In which, I spontaneously start doing something different. For instance, I stopped coffee last month.
Yes, coffee.
I’ve not had a whiff. Not a drop. Nor a taste.
And you know what? I’ve not craved it at all. In fact, it was an incredible experience in meditation to contemplate the nature of wanting and what it might be to simply feel a want or a desire and… do absolutely nothing. To not run away from the desire, but to fully be in it, to experience it from the inside out, and to follow it, wherever it may go.
To my surprise, I felt no such want or desire for coffee. I became more viscerally aware of other things, though.
This brought me to conclude that my initial impressions of coffee are probably correct- that it is a perception dampener. It tends to keep my consciousness anchored in my head, and prevents it from descending into my body. I feel the difference, fully immersed in the discomfort of being in my body and being unaccustomed to it. The deeper into the discomfort I go, the deeper I feel, and round and round it goes, where-to nobody knows!
In fact it was almost exactly one month- that old moon cycle- since I stopped the coffee that I began to have the sight and feeling upon waking and kept it through the day. No-thing can numb it out as much as coffee did, although I have noticed a habitual want to do so. To numb the feelings; it’s an exhaustion of experience, I think. Even now, I wonder when does it end? But no-body knows, remember?
Exacerbating this is a decided lack of unconscious sleep or dreaming. I have not had a black-out unconscious sleep in which I don’t remember a thing for many months, now. I feel as if my life extends back and back and back into unbroken memory; forever.
And, I feel a breaking of something. Of what? I’m not sure.
It is a mind-thing; a need or a desire-or a fear of not- having concrete thought-knowledge about where I am, when I am, and what I am doing! It is a feeling(or a fear) of experiencing life as a hapless newborn babe- without any control or even knowledge of happenings. No recollection of what has occurred; no thought-process by which to navigate the endless sense impressions, feeling experiences, or emotional tsunamis. Just rank in-the-moment experience of a void of mind. Totally at one with my environment through feeling experience; open to everything and unable to reject anything either.
And now when I think back to when I began stopping coffee.... there is no thought there. There is only spontaneity. A curiosity and a will to proceed. Nothing else. It is only feeling.
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