Bombs have been cracking my skill open this week. One after another. Bam. Bam. Bam.
Brains on the floor.
What if I’m not wrong?
For as long as I can recall, I have had a basic and unexamined assumption that people who act and behave as if they are knowledgeable in matters probably are. And since I’ve never had much stock or any ability to have stock in my own wisdom, it was again an assumed second nature and unexamined to discard what I perceive if it didn’t agree with the “expert”.
What this looks like is- speaking to a coach, I say “I feel sadness” and “I don’t have a problem with my sadness” and she says something like “well we established that you have a problem,”
And I’m like. Huh. How would she know, though?
Especially if I tell her explicitly?
And I realized that I am feeling her resistance in the moment. I feel, in my body, a blockage, a heaviness, a sort of urge to say and do the “oh, you’re not getting away that easy. You go through the same goddam miserable path I had to and no one is giving you an easy pass.”
And I remember - whenever I observe someone doing something I don’t understand, like * why would anyone do that? I almost always feel the why*. I feel it in my body as if it were me having the urge or feeling a motivation to do something exactly similar. And I know that that is why they did it.
And I had today the instantaneously and spontaneous conscious awareness of feeling some kind of telepathy- which is I guess exactly what it would be if I have been able to perceive these things all my life, and I had ever allowed myself to truly apprehend that perception. I was in deep communion with the trees. And the other parent showed up for our meet. It is a bit difficult to explain, but we had an exchange wherein they told me about a special relationship with a bird, and I felt a deep reticence - a reluctance - an antagonism. At the same moment I considered it and whether it was mine- for this is a deeply familiar historical feeling that I’ve experienced countless times. It’s associated with my attention, and an expectation that I give it, or pay it, or also any violence or traumatic phenomena which impedes my attention.
It’s the very same feeling I remember having since I was a young child- even to young to have verbal memory- where I perceived a clear demand on my attention from adults who would escalate to violence if I didn’t comply.
And now I recognize it as something outside myself. It’s origin I’m not quite sure of-they seem ancient- but I’m quite sure it isn’t within the spontaneous authentic creative power of my spirit.
What’s more, I was recognizing in my inter play with the trees, a strangely complicated but harmonious dance which occurred on varying planes. Its intricacies and complexities were enough to enrapture me for 2 hours-! In which I felt so connected. Then steps up the parent and their oddly vain comment about the bird- and I felt the attention seeking vanity in my body. And there was also this reticence associated with the demand for my attention. And I noticed that I was inwardly focused and silent, although consciously silent, and that this whole sequence of events is basically the story of my life;
I have a great time by myself.
Someone interrupts.
I can feel their vanity and demand.
I get quiet and no one likes me.
What’s fascinating is that I recognize how I got here. I had to clear away the stuck reactive emotional samskaras in order to see what I feel clearly. Everything I feel is not of myself, as I had assumed for most of my life. Some of it is. But most is not. And because I recognize how I got here; I recognize that most people are still back there. Stuck. Emotionally reactive and therefore blind. The screen of perception is fogged over by every unaccepted emotion that we have ever experienced! Clean it, and seeing is easy. Emotions are a navigation system. They cannot compel direction or movement intelligently- they only inform of the landscape.
I don’t have answers. I still don’t know how to honor myself when I interact with people- especially if my attention is demanded. I don’t know how what to do with information like my coach is antagonistic to an emotionally healed (for the most part) human being. I don’t even know what I should do when a coach questions a basic premise that breaks my trust in their ability to be on my side. I don’t know a lot. I actually think it’s the right place to be. The best things that have ever occurred, only do so when I have complete uncertainty in the outcome.
Loading comments...