She rearranged her schedule so she could have yesterday off. Our last date was… our first so-called date four weeks ago. Hit up Cheddar’s and then Dave & Busters. Nothing complicated.
Spent most of the day binge watching Fallout. Entertaining, yes. But way too violent for my taste. Give me senseless boobies that don’t serve the plot, I don’t need exploding heads to get the point that he’s a dead kind of dead.
Has to work today. On my lunch break, I came home to laundry finished, and a hot sandwich waiting for me.
I don’t feel worthy. I asked her if there’s anything I could do later on the day, big or small, to make her happy. She said she is happy, and just being around me is enough.
Well, I’d she says she’s okay, then that is that.
I worry about being controlling, in asking things of her. Which was her desire, mind you. She asked me to lead.
Dare I say, asking things of others puts me in a vulnerable position, as it means I’m not doing everything myself. Counter-intuitive, right? It’s little stuff, sure, but I’m terrified of asking too much.
Probably just paranoia over the first wife leaving me. The PTSD of being blindsided may never leave me. Thing is, if I ask myself what could I have done differently?
I could have asked for help.
So to be muddling through asking for help now, practicing with easy things. Maybe I can be in a better position to ask for help for Serious Things, before they get out of hand.
“I don’t want my pain taken away, I need my pain.” - Captain James T Kirk
Fear of the void compelled me to do the small scary things, to avoid ever going to that place ever again.
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