I felt that same feeling of spaciousness within mySelf which increasingly has become my default; a feeling of beingness and of wholeness.
I realized that I’m all here, right now. It is the same sensation as the Willed focus on awareness. The will and act of refusal of content.
And I know that this is it. The total acceptance. Not even fear, or anxiety, or that subtle feeling of sucking up the enjoyment of a hot beverage in the morning escapes the total Acceptance. It’s all there. Even the not-so-subtle pushing away of the pain of a stubbed toe…
I am reminded of the stubbed toe simply because it was such an intense experience. Everyone has stubbed a toe if they have toes. And everyone can attest to the unbearable pain that is the entire experience of walking with all of ones momentum ones toe straight into some unforgiving object. Like, say, a cement block.
I stubbed my foot and then, I felt the pain. It was unbearable, or so I guessed, but, I realized in the moment that I actually didn’t know if it was unbearable. I felt my conscious awareness pushing the perception of my foot away. But I, in a state of total lack of resistance as I happened to be, Accepted that I felt a pushing, and immediately I was so intimatelyaware of my foot and the excruciating depth and intensity of the pain in my foot. It’s all I experienced. And then, it was gone.
It was just gone. The sensation of pain itself was gone entirely from my foot. And yet I remained in intimate awareness and presence in my foot and my body. I felt astonishment and a sense of recognition. Of course it would be that a sensation, fully digested and processed by the consciousness, would not need any permanence! In fact, the reason for permanence of a sensation or emotion, is that it hasn’t been digested. Even the sensation of pain.
My foot wasn’t unhurt. But the pain simply wasn’t there.
I compared it to my previous held notion that I had a high pain tolerance. I realized that all I was ever doing was removing my perception of that area of my body which was injured. I was dissociating! Literally leaving my body. Or, as I sensed this time, pushing the perception of the foot away. This resulted in not really perceiving the pain, but it also created a state of chronic dissociation and a permanence to the feeling of pain n my body. Which is a sort of vicious cycle, since it can’t go anywhere until digested, but my awareness retreated whenever confronted by it.
Another recent example is one of anxiety. I’m sure no one can relate to distracting oneself from feeling anxiety. Lol
I was on myabe the third day of delving into a matter; doing all the things like reading articles, searches, watching YouTube videos, listening to podcasts, writing up summaries, letters, etc on this topic. And I paused. Maybe it was yesterday, I don’t remember. I paused and, I thought “all this to feel better!?”
Whoa. Hard stop. Full Self consciousness came online, then. Am I appeasing some emotional uncertainty? To ask the question was to answer it. And I immediately felt the anxiety in full bloom; a tidal wave.
And I realized I was concerned over the opinion of someone else. Someone who lives in fear. I felt it wash over me, and just as soon as I did; it was gone.
Something very similar happened when I posted my experiment here. I made a prediction. I realized, only after I’d done it, that I really wanted to attain a positive result to show people. There was this grasping energy and gesture.
And, I guess because I’d been hyper aware of this type of energy over that last couple days with the prior examples, the perception of the grasping, the Awareness of the feeling, and the intensity of it moved through me. And then, all I wanted truly, was to have clarity of perception of what is.
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