Oh, not really in reference to anything specific. Just a guiding mantra of mine as each day passes in this lovedrunk relationship. The eccentricity will always be there. But.
That stubborn I should be able to be honest and say what I want all the time! is largely outmoded and lacks efficacy.
I don’t remember which specific things Tashina (ex-wife) called me out on. But as I say so often: I think others are at an 8, so I try to match an 8, but I’m actually at an 11.
Basic human connection is hard for me to feel, so I used to think you needed to share everything. No, actually, you don’t. We’re never a monolith of thoughts. We can pick from our thoughts which we want to nurture into a dialogue. Do I
- tell her I saw a cute girl at the gym and feel guilty
Or
- send her selfies of me at the gym and tell her I’m thinking of her
Yup. Pretty goddamn obvious which choice to make. My emotional perception is pretty good, but holy hell have I made some definitely shouldn’t have said that moments over the course of relationships.
I know some guys aren’t even reactively sensitive (reading emotions after an event). Given my neurospicy, it’s sometimes hard to guess how words have meaning and may make others feel. It’s why I’ve been stiffled into silence and solitude as the years go on in my adult life.
I remind myself being proactively sensitive isn’t something most adults master anyway. So maybe I should give myself a little credit for even trying at all.
Which is interesting, as I’m well aware of how certain words can cause others to feel - if those words have been used on me. If specific words and phrases have caused an emotional response in me, using those same words usually causes the desired result in whoever I’m talking to.
God damn I sound like a Vulcan.
The problem is I sometimes anticipate how I would feel hearing things, rather than how someone else would feel. There’s a difference.
So.
Anyway.
I was going to gush about how Courtney and I are all lovedrunk and very much constant texting & audio messaging each other, and have already named our kids. But this is actually a decent write-up on the nuance of learning to value your partner’s feelings over your need to overshare.
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