Yesterday, we dropped off some meals for Jimmy’s family (the participant in my program who passed away.) His mother doesn’t know what happened either. His grandmother found him Wednesday morning. That’s all I know. They are waiting for the autopsy to give them some answers. The RCMP will be the first to know. There is an open investigation into this.
I promised him I would never change my quit date. She told me. She quit substance use a few years ago, she has that date tattooed on her wrist. While we were visiting her, an estranged man came banging on her door. They didn’t seem to know who he was. He was hysterical. Tell me it isn’t true. He had a full meltdown on her lawn. She pieced together who is was eventually. I felt like his reaction was disproportionate for someone who barely knew the family. I’m wondering if he gave Jimmy something he shouldn’t have. I’m really hoping that Jimmy didn’t OD on opioids.
The workshop yesterday was dreadful. I’m learning a lot, however. Frontline Baddies is the workshop. It’s covering a lot. If we can improve our best practice, great. I am annoyed that I am the only person from the office that is in attendance. All the other mentors were signed up as well. I’m going to take Friday off. That is the day after the funeral and feasting ceremony. I need space.
Next week I leave for BC. I can’t wrap my head around that. I hate flying, so every time it crosses my mind my heart drops.
My roommate asked me to join her on a walk yesterday evening. It didn’t even cross my mind that she was going to pour her heart out to me. She is depressed but doesn’t think that she has depression because she is not suicidal. How does someone at our age even think that? She isn’t happy with her choices, which is understandable. Maybe you should be depressed. Is what I’ve said in here so many times. She said the quiet part out loud. Her fertility is ending and she is regretting that she didn’t start a family. She also admitted that she doesn’t know how to connect to people. She has no depth. She is unintelligent, and has low levels of empathy. Can someone be stoned for 20 years and not be damaged? She needed my help to talk her into seeing a therapist. Of course, she won’t. That’s not going to fix anything. She will change anything but herself.
For the last exercise of the workshop, it was about what we need from our team, our leaders, our loved ones, and ourselves when we lose a participant to suicide, or overdose. I didn’t have an answer. I’m the one everyone needs in a crisis. I just know that I feel like my needs are not being met anywhere. After we dropped of the meals, my boss broke down in the car. I told him to just go home. I didn’t want to be home, alone, and unsupported. Leaving the apartment feels so dreadfully painful, however. I just want one day in bed. I’m aiming for Friday. My roommate will be gone until 9 PM.
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