I don’t trust my actions right now. Let alone my feelings. I know I am grieving, so I don’t know where anything is coming from, really. For example, this case I am building against my workplace, is that just me coping?
I am so pissed off at my coordinator right now. I know that I am in the anger stage of grief. I’m really just clinging to this. It is the weekend. We are off the clock. I get it. I took the initiative in reaching out to the mother of the participant who passed away and offered her easy-to-make meals. It was his boss’s boss’s idea but he wasn’t taking initiative. I sent him a screenshot of the conversation, letting him know that she accepted our offer. That she will be expecting them on Monday. All I got in response was a thumbs up.
Thanks for doing that, Tom. How can I help?
Thanks for offering support. Well, the kid isn’t buried yet, and your boss signed me up for a two-day workshop on suicide, so I won’t be at the office. Can you please collect those meals on Monday, and I will come help drop them off during my lunch break? I’m the point of contact, so I would like to be there when she receives them. If you can’t do that, let me know, and I will get someone at the office to get those for me, and I will pick them up. Thanks.
That is literally what I am sending him first thing tomorrow morning. If not before I go to bed. Probably not at all because I don’t trust my actions, and I don’t want to do something I will regret. Even though I just want to burn it all down. I now have the funeral information, so now I am coordinating getting the families to the funeral who want to come. I need to get the information to everyone else in the office, also. We have our September calendar due at the end of the week, which I keep reminding him about. I won’t see him until September, after this week, because our holidays are back-to-back. We have a drum feasting ceremony to pull together this week, also. It’s the same day as the funeral. None of this should be on my plate. I should be able to go to this training without everything falling apart at the office. He will let it all pile up until I am back at the office on Wednesday. I believe his boss is coming to that workshop. If I get half a chance to vent, I am just going to do it. I’m going to tell him that he should ask my coordinator to just switch roles with me. I’m trying to step back, but I can’t. We need to let me step up and make the wage for the work I am doing. I’m just so done right now.
Why are you trying to step back, Tom? I was told to. They want him accountable for his role. I was told that I am running him out of a job. I’m overfunctioning. I’m doing this because of his executive dysfunction around tasks. We don’t want the program to lose funding. The program was nothing until I got there. Next month is my one-year anniversary. This is the best gig I’ve ever had. It is very clear that I am passionate about it because my love language is what? I build structure around it. So does that make your hate language destruction? Yes. It’s a controlled demolition. Which is what I think I am doing to everything around me right now.
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