I have second-degree burnout, which is slowly getting worse.
Since my hours changed for the summer, I have not had a single day all to myself. That space is oxygen, and I need it to breathe. I am dysregulated. I am dysfunctional. I have been going nonstop and masking nonstop. I need time and space so I can just exist without editing myself for everyone.
It’s really not that bad, though. My worst is most people’s best. I’m just losing things. Losing track of appointments. I’m running my mouth, and I’m running on autopilot. September 2nd is the next opportunity that I have to take a break from being around my roommate. She doesn’t do anything. She doesn’t go anywhere. We have been spending a lot of time together, which is great. She had me plan a day in Gimili for the Icelandic festival and then bitched out to no one’s surprise. I feel kind of bad about that one because it was probably my fault. I got the days mixed up. I went without her. She only needed to get dressed. It’s not like she had anything better to do. I felt bad because she looked like a talking corpse for a second when I was asking her if she was still coming. Her looks, which all of her self-confidence and self-esteem come from, are fleeting and fast. She looks old and haggard compared to the start of the year.
I am supposed to be saving money, so naturally, I blew a couple of hundred on clothes yesterday. It’s like this, I surrender to my dopamine loops from time to time, and everything I wanted was on clearance, so I wasted no time. I’ll survive. This is just evidence that I am getting closer to first-degree burnout. That is when my finances slip into my blind spot. This is why I have everything set to autopayments on my credit card. It’s been over ten years since I had a nervous breakdown, and I am trying to keep it that way.
I woke up feeling the way I did last year when I was failing my Chemistry and Physics classes. I didn’t know I had ADHD. I fell behind, and I wasn’t able to will myself to catch up. They compare that paralysis to someone putting their hand on a hot plate. The brain makes you hesitate. It’s more like you’re going to skydive. The longer you hesitate, the higher the play climbs, which makes you hesitate even more. Everything piles up until you finally jump. We are adrenaline junkies. We use adrenaline as a substitute for dopamine. I am very high-functioning, but that is only because I am rigid with my routines. ADHD can’t touch that part of the brain. However, I can’t reach that part of the brain right now either. There are a lot of internal and external factors.
I have great problems. I like my problems. I don’t want to trade my problems with anybody.
Third-degree burnout happens after everything has slipped away from me, and I am on the plane. Everything piles up, and I can’t even think about it. I hide in my dopamine loops until an external factor forces me to deal with it. Second-degree burnout affects my diet and eating habits. I have to force-feed myself because I have no appetite, even if I am starving. The hunger gives me adrenaline. So basically, I am high off starving. My energy levels plummet. I’m not eating correctly, so this is just the consequence. I now have no energy for anything, and my anxiety and depression symptoms seep in. Everything starts to pile up. So, first-degree burnout is when my personal finances fall into the ADHD task paralysis pile. It becomes something I hide from. I do not let myself get to this point because this is when it affects what I need to survive. Not just what I need to be okay. After first-degree burnout comes a full-on nervous breakdown. That’s when I become the worst version of myself.
Anyway, I needed to air this out as I am trying to bypass motivation. It’s like being told that there is something wrong with your legs when you get diagnosed with ADHD. I don’t have dopamine, and why should I? There is no room for it because I am flooded with stress hormones. Quite literally, I need to get over myself. I’m working on that. You’ll never run, you’l never climb, and you’ll never swim, but we can help you get the most out of walking. Meanwhile, all I can do is crawl. That’s what I feel my brain is like without dopamine.
My roommate started her ADHD medication again. She doesn’t think it does anything, but she is cooking for herself and cleaning. She is really putting me to shame. I don’t want to need a prescription for crystal meth just so that I can fold my laundry. She isn’t eating, which is why she looked so deathly. She isn’t sleeping either. I would rather correct this holistically. I’m trying somatic work right now. It’s a lot more powerful than I expected. I expected nothing, to be honest. I’ll explain that another day. I need to finish force-feeding myself breakfast, then force myself to try new recipes.
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