....to make an entry but I also have all these words running thru my mind.
Today, I worked for 14 hours. That’s insane! What is worse is that I didn’t even realize it until I walked away from my desk. I have an important gig this weekend and 3: important meetings next week. I need to prepare for a trip in January that I need to authorize plane tickets to be purchased. It feels like I need an assistant.
Last week I called my godfather’s widow. He left us to win his fight against Parkinson’s 6 months ago. He was like a dad I never had. His own son’s mental illness made him distant and unresponsive. I actually reached out to him several times but his stubbornness didn’t want to associate with his folks. What happened was, he was married and he and his wife had a baby that passed before they could bring it home. She fell into post partum and turned on everyone and pulled her husband down a dark path isolating him against his mom and dad. I’ve known his mom and dad longer than I’ve known him. I was present during the death of their grandbaby....they upended their own world to care for their son and their daughter in law. It didn’t matter - they moved away and never spoke to them again. He did send his dad a voice recording on his mom’s phone after his dad fell into a coma.
There’s one side of me that wants to find him and beat him for his actions. At the same time, I believe I understand. I have a step dad that I have estranged somewhat - but he made my life a living hell. I still associate with him at family functions but I limit my time and keep conversations shallow. So, I don’t know the darkest parts of why they withdrew and left.
I called the widow and talked to her for over an hour. Just to let her talk. When the call was over I went to my voicemail and replayed my friend’s voicemail he sent me right before he was in full blown dementia. I still get a lump in my throat.
I miss him.
Here’s where this entry takes a 90 degree turn …
What’s it like to be impulsive without a care to throw caution to the wind and live unapologetically free in all aspects of life? Why can’t I do that? The consequences of uncertainty and the threat it offending someone freezes me in my tracks!
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