I made absolutely no money at all today. I sat in my car waiting for a really long time and then I got my .99 coffee and came home. I got a cash advance on my credit card. Stupid, yeah I know. We need money to get where we are going and the rent once we arrive. This is becoming stupid expensive and we have to get the water turned on and that alone is $150. We had to go earlier to the court house and have our background checks printed. I am just so over this bitch deciding different things and I do stuff but then it’s not enough, like with the renters insurance. Then I have to call places back and make sure they email everything to her. I get that landlords get fucked over but you make things hard enough for people and you won’t have any tenants! Like holy fuck.
I’ve spent time in my daughter’s room today packing things up and taking out a couple bags of garbage. We are currently eating the food we already have so we aren’t throwing a shit ton away when we leave.
It was her last day of school. They got her a really cool balloon and she gets a free cupcake for completing 400 minutes of reading. I am so proud of her. She now gets a break until school starts on the 19th. She’s in a good spirits. I was worried about pick up and that she would be crying and just sad but she’s doing fine.
My Mom text and asked me to bring her stuff to her work tomorrow. I might go but I might have my boyfriend do it. I will go but I don’t want my daughter coming with because I’m too scared it would slip that we are leaving. I don’t even know where my Mom lives and she moved out of her house back in April. I’m sorry but that does bother me. I can honestly say that my ‘family’ treats me like I’m just a pile of shit so you know what? They’re going to get what they’ve given me. NOTHING!
Does it bother me that my Mom has moved in a place almost 4 months ago and I don’t even know where she lives? Yeah it sure does. These people have never had any regard for how they’ve made me or my child feel so once I’m gone, I expect the same energy. None of them have cared to have regular contact or have a meaningful relationship with either one of us so I’m not worried about how they are going to feel.
BD messaged me last night stating he’s going to work on an oil rig somewhere down south and he’ll make more than my boyfriend and I combined. He managed to call my boyfriend a warthog again. I don’t even bother to respond. A normal ‘Dad’ would have said hey I’m leaving can I talk to my daughter or even see her before I go? Nah, he just thinks we’re going to be sitting here in the same fucking spot once he returns. I also don’t believe this oil rig bullshit as I heard this same thing a couple of years ago and it’s hard work. This guy doesn’t like to hold down a job whatsoever so I definitely don’t see him doing a hard, manual labor job in the southern heat!
He just wanted to piss me off and incite an argument but he didn’t succeed. I don’t give a flying fuck what he does or doesn’t do. I am the one that’s actually parenting so yeah, I can’t just check out for 6 months! He acts like he’s been involved all along and that’s definitely not the case. I really hope he does go and I never hear from him again. I remember a month ago sitting in a court room looking at him praying to God that I would never have to feel like I’m under his threats or control and I got my wish.
It’s just fucked how he’s never done a fucking thing for his child and now, he’s stopped paying CS but still wants to try and get under my skin. It’s like bro, haven’t you done enough?!?!? God damn!! I’m the one working all weekend every weekend to cover my bills and he has the audacity to talk shit?! WOW! I also covered her birthday and I’ll get to cover school supplies. I honestly think that he’s just a miserable person that wants everyone around him to be the same fucking way. I honestly believe that he’s butthurt that I don’t need him and don’t ask for a mf thing. He’s not going to help regardless.
I am just so tired of dealing with people that work so hard to bring out the worst in me. I’m glad that I’m strong enough now to realize that there’s no point in arguing. I don’t owe anyone a reaction. I’ve spent years being mad about the same things with the same people that I’m glad I’ll never see any of them ever again. I’ve been a good person to every single one of them and all I get in return is grief. My BD never helped me out with gas, food, clothing or even helped pay for her medications when she was sick and is still hell bent to make a fight.
The people around me suffer from mental illness and lack of accountability. They think if you voice your feelings that you are attacking them. I don’t want to deal with it anymore. My Mom acts like she never wronged my boyfriend or myself and I hate her for that. I hate her for a lot of reasons but I have more hate now that we were promised money for helping them move and never got it. She lied about my boyfriend and made the situation between him and my little brother far worse than what it was. I’m so fucking sick of dealing with liars.
I remember when I told them I was moving in with my boyfriend and none of them offered to help me. Not once. Then once they were moving, my phone was blowing up. I lost several days of work to help them and then never got any money. How the fuck do you do this shit to someone you supposedly love? More importantly how do you do this to your child that’s not in a good financial situation and have no fucks to give?!
My biggest problem is I’ve spent my life being surrounded by people that never cared about me, just what I could do for them. I chased people that didn’t even like me. I put out more than I ever got back. If you don’t love yourself, you’re going to find yourself chasing people that don’t love you either.
Ugh, anyways I’m feeling really frustrated because I feel like we should have more done than what we do. We are leaving Monday. I’m just waiting on my medications. We have to take the modem back to the internet company. I still need to have it hooked up where we are going.
I can’t believe we are leaving in just a few days. It’s going to be really weird not living here in this house or in this city. I feel really harbored here. I can’t wrap my head around how hard things were being a single Mom and got blessed me with a great guy for me and my daughter. I never thought in a million years it would happen to a girl like me. I knew he was special the night we met and my feelings for him just got stronger every day even when I didn’t see him. It definitely wasn’t easy in the beginning. He had just lost his fiancee 2 months prior and he wasn’t in a good place but knew he needed somebody. He wasn’t from here and didn’t have anyone to look after him.
Life is a crazy ride and I want to spend the rest of my life surrounded by good people that just love the hell out of me and my daughter. I just want to be a good person and get that in return. I know things won’t be perfect there but I can definitely see them being better than this. I have nothing here. No support at all. The best thing that came into our lives has been my boyfriend. He’s always there. He always shows up for not only me but my daughter as well. I still remember him leaving work to come to her parent/teacher conference. I know that might be a small thing to other people but it was so nice to have someone there with me. I always went to this stuff by myself.
I have learned to not really talk about BD because my boyfriend feels that he’s stepped up and takes care of us and his feelings get hurt when I sit around and bitch about BD. It hurts my feelings that the guy doesn’t have to have accountability and I have to take more time away from my family to make money and cover bills too. I do get that I can’t change it and bitching about it doesn’t do a damn thing but I also need to vent some too. My boyfriend has done more for my daughter and myself than anyone has. He makes sure that we have what we need and then some.
My boyfriend is very protective of us and is always there to fix any problem I have. It’s really a blessing to have someone like him. I thank God every day for sending me a good human. I know we’ve had some problems lately but most of them have been caused by this fucking landlord. I already dislike this person and I just hope everything is done that we need to do and it will be smooth sailing from here on out. This shit has had us STRESSED the fuck out. We’ve honestly almost split up over this shit.
I’m going to hang out with the daughter for a little bit.
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