We had our rummage sale over the weekend. I am sunburnt and just couldn’t get out of bed this morning. I’ve been running around printing out applications for rentals and throwing shit away. I just got done doing laundry.
I’m already sick of looking at piles of random shit because I’ve thrown away a lot of tables and stuff to put things. I need to start packing. I’ve packed one box and the rest of my time has been spent just throwing shit away. There’s still so much to do but I can already see progress.
I already know I’m going to have to work over the weekend. I didn’t work today and made a little yesterday. I don’t have my car payment, light bill, or credit card money. I seriously don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do. All I know is I can’t keep living like this. I’m probably going to have to rack up more fucking debt and use that god forsaken credit card so I get more to stress about. I am so fucking sick of living like this that I could puke.
I have been putting in online applications for jobs where we are going. I seriously have to start making an actual living. I have plenty of bills but not enough money to pay them. My boyfriend wants to do the self employed thing when we get there and so do I but I don’t have much time to sit around and not make any money before I’m completely fucked.
We were cleaning out the storage unit on Friday and I let my Mom know that her box of pictures are there. She was to come and get them over the weekend and didn’t show up. She’s too busy working and getting home. There’s no one there but her dogs but again, we don’t even care to show up for any reason. I just hope all these fucking people aren’t going to be terribly upset when we live across the country.
The lack of effort with EVERYONE is absolutely disgusting and I’m going to be so fucking glad when I’m not anywhere around them and I won’t give too much of a fuck anymore. I’ve spent much of my life being upset that they aren’t my family unless they need something. I’m just getting too old for this shit. I’ve dealt with this my entire life and so has my daughter.
It’s maddening dealing with people that are all for themselves. I just hope all of them find peace and keep living their lives since we were never important enough to prioritize. We just saw my Mom after 3 months again. My daughter hasn’t see her real Dad since June 22nd. I don’t understand where everyone wants us to just sit around stagnant waiting for them to remember we exist or make effort.
I remember how much time I spent being pissed that my Mom wasn’t ‘allowed’ to make effort but after the past few months, I don’t exactly blame my Dad for all of it anymore. I think my Mom is overall a very lazy, selfish person and probably should just focus on being alone. She doesn’t make time for anyone and yet, still complains about being single. Well, ya gotta go outside to meet people!
I think she liked the fact that I blamed my Dad for her lack of effort because then she didn’t have to have accountability. Well, pretty soon we are going to be about 1,200 miles away and she won’t ever have to worry about it. I’m not telling anyone we are leaving because with my Mom, I have to worry about her telling my brother who is still in contact with BD. She was the one that told me that he had told my brother about the custody thing and I’m too scared of him knowing we are leaving so he could go petition to keep us here. Well, we can’t stay here because we have to be out in 2 weeks. I also don’t want to deal with anyone trying to guilt me into staying. Even if I did stay, nothing here is going to ever change.
Even my best friend completely understands why I’m ready to move. I sat in an apartment by my self for years, even before I had a child and no one in my family made any fucking effort unless they needing money, a ride, a babysitter blah blah blah and then I had a kid where it was just her and I up until I met my boyfriend. None of these fucking people have ever had any real regard for my daughter or myself and I really don’t care how they end up feeling about our move.
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