Last night I dreamt that I was back to working at the home hardware store. I was not happy about it. The dream actually woke me up.
This time last year, I was working there and I was struggling to get enough hours. My car was written off, and I was not in a position to get a new one. I was grieving my epic failure that was school. I was content binging ADHD and rumbling with the fact that I have it.
It was never the content; it was always the context that was making me miserable. That was my epiphany after I lost my restaurant job of thirteen years. Here I am, wondering if it is the content or context that is making me feel discontent at my current job. I think I need a leadership position. My micro manager at my last job is what was haunting me in my dream last night. I’m a micro manager myself, but to an extent. I develop the people under me to get everything done, but I let them do it on their own terms. I want everyone to get job satisfaction. Even if they are producing macaroni art at first.
I don’t know why I am so shook by my dream last night. At least I dreamt. I had a REM sleep.
Not much is going on in my fragile little world right now. I spent the whole weekend with my roommate. I look down on her as she represents the worst aspects of myself. She’s like a child. However, I need to let out my own inner child. I need to have fun and stop being so uptight. I’m pretty rigid. We went bike riding again this weekend. We went to the beach also, which… I’m so sick of seeing uggos. I said what I said. Like, I’m frustrated. I need to find some attractive people and just stare at them for a bit like a creep. The visual assault of it all… I’m up early enough to be at the gym for 5 AM today. The hotties will be there.
The routine part of the brain, ADHD can’t touch. Even before I was diagnosed, I knew this much about myself. This is why I work so hard to get things into my habit loops. Over the summer, we work different hours because our participants are not in school. Now I have to fight to get my routines in there. Thus, my ADHD is winning. I really am that rigid. Like, just adapt!
Anyway, on with my day then. I want to make it a chill one. I feel like something big is coming. For better or for worse.
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