july 11 in idea barrages

It’s the law of the cold cuts: sometimes you eat the paper, sometimes you eat the cheese.

“Trade,” it muttered, “commerce, transactions, dealings.” Oh no, we all thought, this thing means business.

Why say “I’m about to orgasm” when you can yell “THE JUICE IS LOOSE”?

Everybody thinks the word “moist” is gross but, seriously, “juicy” is like 100 times grosser. All you have to do is replace the word “fruit” with “toots” in the “Juicy Fruit Is Gonna Move Ya” jingle to understand exactly how unnerving a word it is.

Mary and Joseph suing the inn for not providing accommodations, hiring the law firm of GOLD, FRANKINCENSE & MYRRH.

Psst. (The mathematical order of operations is a social construct. Trick math questions that depend on remembering them from the fifth grade aren’t clever, they’re arbitrary pedantry. The way math kind of sort of works in human terms is only marginally real.)

You pay thousands of dollars to sail out into the middle of the ocean, to swim inside the little pool contained within the cruise ship. This is a metaphor for the way we overthink the human experience but, of course, metaphor is a kind of overthinking in itself.

Little Caesars could start selling Tex-Mex under the name “Toga Bell” but nobody listens to the good ideas anymore.