Yesterday was alright. I didn’t make like any money at all. I’ve been busy throwing shit away and cleaning. I got rid of the grill last night and this morning we took the outside table and trash out. I am starting to feel like I’m making a dent so my anxiety isn’t as bad.
I tried to work this morning but it was dead. I got breakfast and headed home. I cleaned up the kitchen and did dishes. I also filled another garbage bag with junk.
BD messaged last night saying how it’s unhealthy for my daughter to not speak to him and also, did I get his paperwork? So I was beyond livid and called the cops. This really nice lady officer called back and I told her that I don’t want to go against what the the judge said about us having to communicate through the app but I can’t take the threats anymore. It’s affecting my mental health and my relationship. She said that I can get a protection order and make it contingent that we only speak about our daughter. I don’t trust that it would get granted because it didn’t last time, I don’t have time for another court date and I’m too scared it could open up a new can of fucking worms.
He messaged a couple of times after that but I didn’t check them until a couple of hours ago. Just said that I think everything is a threat and how he’s spent money to petition again and that’s money that could go towards our child. Well, I called twice now and he hasn’t petitioned so he’s lying. I’m also tired of that as well. I haven’t responded and don’t plan to. Even the lady cop said I don’t have to respond to every message. I’m just so upset about all this because I’m not trying to keep him from his child but I am trying to keep him from destroying me as a human being!
My daughter’s phone is currently off because I haven’t had an extra $40 for her phone card and I’ll be damned if he’s going to tie up my phone talking to her and he only cares to talk to her on the phone to see what’s going on in the background and start a fight. Do I believe that my daughter should at least talk to him on the phone? Yeah if he was just calling to visit with her and not worry about me, absolutely! He finds every way possible to have some kind of link into my personal life and it’s always drama fueled. That is his end goal. I don’t know how the fuck to make things work with a trouble maker!
My boyfriend was super upset last night about the fact that I keep giving in and talking to him. I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and fucking hard place. Whether I’m talking to him or not, he could still petition. Either I’d get served by the Sheriff or it would come in the mail. I feel like it would be best to just string him along until we leave. Everyone says to just quit talking to him but I’m scared to do that also. I’ve been threatened for so fucking long that I feel I have to still try and keep things calm, at least until we leave. I seriously don’t know how much more I can take but I can’t keep living like this either. I’d rather just try and keep it cool until we’re out of here and then if he were to petition, I won’t be around to deal with it.
I’ve been stuck in this for 9 years and I don’t always know what to do or say but somehow I have to keep the peace with everyone. My boyfriend is tired of hearing about it and me constantly telling him he’s not allowed to do anything. I understand his frustration as well. I just can’t wait until we’re packed up and leaving. I’m glad we still have time to get everything packed and tie up loose ends but I’m also living in fear until we go.
We still haven’t found a place there. There’s so many different variables in renting a fucking place and I’m losing my fucking mind. I paid a $75 application fee yesterday but he has to apply separately and pay that too and he doesn’t want to do that. All the place I’ve seen we can’t apply together and its going to cost us. We have limited money for a place and to get us there. I’m very stressed but all I can do is just pray about it.
I’m hoping to make some money tomorrow. This whole week has been shit. I at least made my car payment. It sucks that he quit his job and I haven’t seen CS in almost a month. Still pretty funny that he quits like 2 weeks before we have court. Like he was so proud to tell the judge that he got a new job and was going to be making more money and it’s like yeah but it shows inconsistency right before your hearing idiot!! I remember when he messaged me saying he was going to quit his job and I smiled like a mf! Yeah it meant fucking with my finances but that’s temporary. It hurt him way more than it’s hurting me.
I need to make money for my car insurance and light bill. Ugh every time I turn around, there’s another bill due. I owe like 2K on a credit card and it’s never going to get paid off until I can start paying like a huge chunk every month which isn’t possible because I don’t make shit and I have so many other bills that are important. I do plan to pay the minimum at least this time but something’s gotta give. I’m so fucking stressed out that I can’t hardly breathe.
I’m on my period which doesn’t help matters at all. I’m bleeding heavy and it’s getting on stuff. I have to keep changing my tampon constantly. I hate having this every fucking month. I can’t even have any more children.
Yesterday, my boyfriend and I were sitting in the livingroom and he is obviously paying attention to everything because he asked me, “where’s our support?” and it’s like yeah I mean I get that this is a different world for him because he grew up where your parents were your rock and are there for you and what family you created. His parents are still very involved with him and he calls his Dad all the time asking advice for stuff. He’s definitely understanding my frustration. I remember when I told my family that I was moving in with him back in September and I was talking to everyone in my family, not one of them offered to help me even pack a box. Then, 3 months ago we BOTH helped them!
It’s maddening and honestly, embarrassing! I’ve never had any help but bent over backwards for all of them. I went broke helping them to the point where I would get disconnect notices in the mail. I wasn’t even paying my own bills to help with theirs! They were borrowing money from me even when I was on maternity leave still recovering from a fucking C-Section! I made the mistake of telling them that I had saved money so I would be able to cover my bills so I could take some time off and they took that as I had a bunch of money for them!
All I know is I’m going to be so glad to get the fuck out of here and away from them. I will be so happy knowing I won’t ever have to worry about bumping into them. I told my boyfriend earlier today that every time I see these people, this is the shit I think about. He told me the other day that I feel owed. Yeah, I absolutely do! I’ve helped with money, food, rides, being the DD, being the babysitter, going to their court dates, listening to their never ending problems and going broke to make sure they had groceries, gas, smokes, and beer that I absolutely am owed! I don’t think my Mom planned to actually give us money when we helped them move and sell off their shit or have that rummage sale.
It still kills me that she had almost 12K and didn’t give me even a dollar. She knows just how much they’ve all used me and took advantage of me for YEARS and obviously will never stop doing it. After all the shit she’s done even in the past couple of years, I don’t totally blame my Dad for all of it. I know he’s always been the root of the problem but she’s made her choices too. She’s not completely innocent and I don’t see her as the victim.
I wish I could forget. I wish I could just do what my boyfriend said and that’s to just know that I can’t change any of it and it is what it is. I’m the kind of person where I have learned to not help people because of how my family is. I am so sick of being used or taken advantage of and that’s why I’ve kept myself pretty closed off in my adult life because I just felt like if my own family would do it then why wouldn’t other people! If the people who are supposed to love me treat me so badly, I can’t trust that anyone else is going to treat me any better.
BD. He’s absolutely ridiculous. I am so tired of being threatened that now I’m going to focus on that every time I respond. I’m going to be just like him where I can’t let go of anything and focus just on what he’s done to me. I’m going to do the exact same thing to him that he’s done to me all along. He keeps saying that he’s spent money to petition again but he hasn’t. I’ve called today and Monday. I’m going to be the broken record like him now.
I don’t care about my daughter seeing him. It’s just nothing but problems. I’m also tired of it never being consistent. I’m tired of how even when she’s with him, he’s blowing me up the whole time. There’s a lot of control in him only seeing her every once in a while and then bugging me until it’s time to pick her up. I also was pissed the last time where I had to go where his girlfriend lived after I said he was to meet me at the Sheriff’s office. This whole thing with him seeing her is really inconvenient and just a fucking nightmare. I think the next time he wants to see her, I’m going to tell him that my car broke down so he’s going to have to figure out how to get her and then how to get her back home. I need to make this just as inconvenient for him as he’s made it for me.
I seriously need to start playing hard ball. I should have all along. I should have always said my car was broke down, made him pay for my gas, or just be overall difficult. Agreeable but not convenient whatsoever. I’ve been doing this all wrong.
Maybe all this sounds vindictive but I think it’s just returning the favor. He’s never appreciated just how decent I’ve been all these years and it’s going to be different now. I’ve always dropped my plans for him to see her, given him rides, transported her to and from visits, provided food, and clothing but now, I’m going to move differently. I’m going to always agree but make it to where he’s going to put in all the effort. It’s like I told my friend the other day, what if I didn’t have a car?! What if I wouldn’t have had a car all along?! Would he try and make even more problems?! I’ve always been held in higher regard even though he’s the DAD?!
Everyone has always made life hard for me and rarely was helpful but I’ve always done right by everyone else. It’s time that all that changes. I’m going to make sure that everyone is held in the same regard that I am.
My boyfriend went out for a little bit so I got the daughter showered and I showered as well. I’m still struggling to find time to shower everyday and it’s pissing me off. Usually by the end of the night I’m either too tired or there’s not enough hot water but if I don’t shower everyday or close to it, not only do I get super gross, my hair gets greasy and frizzy but I’ll get a painful rash on my groin and it’s a bitch getting rid of it.
I’m happy that my boyfriend goes out but it does bother me that I never get to. We haven’t had a night out together since Mother’s Day which was 2 months ago. It’s hard to not get upset about it. I used to get super angry that he would go out because I never got to go but I’m more okay with it because it’s another thing that I can’t change. It’s unfortunate that my daughter’s Dad has never been stable enough to have her even an overnight once a month but again, this is the hand I’ve been dealt. I remember my boyfriend telling me from the start how he raised his kids and should be able to do his own thing. I remember how I felt and that’s why I don’t say much about it. He helps with my daughter nearly every day and should get to go do stuff but I’ve been a Mom everyday for 8 years now and have never had much time away from her.
I love my daughter with every beat of my heart and would give my last breathe for her but I do feel like I’m missing out. I’m glad I have a boyfriend and he’s there for us but I would like to get to do more. Even if I got 1 night every few months to go do whatever I wanted it would help. My life is working, cleaning, and taking care of my family. When I work, all I think about is how I have dishes, laundry, and cleaning to do when I get home.
BD’s whole life has been very easy. Way easier than it is for men in their 40’s. It pisses me off that he’s left me with all the fucking work and then wanted 50/50 to use our child to help himself get a free apartment and EBT. I don’t think you could get any lower than that. He’s told me this shit a thousand times over the years. I can say that if he got to live off the welfare, he would have NO reason to ever see his child. He just wants to use her to get to where he needs to be and then make no effort to see her. I did what I had to do to prevent him from living off welfare because then he wouldn’t have to work, wouldn’t pay CS and still wouldn’t be a parent.
If he was truly trying to be a Dad, I would look at all of this differently. I don’t like the guy and I regret that he’s the father of my child. I live with that guilt and regret every single day but if he was trying to be a man and do the right thing, I would have agreed to 50/50. I know that it’s best for a child to have both parents but he’s not a parent nor is he trying to ever do right by her.
Anyways, I’m going to watch TV and relax.
Loading comments...