It feels silly to write about this; but I would rather feel silly writing about it than act like a damned fool doing something about it. Like… there was a part of me that wanted to text Nancy today and how large that part of me was actually dismayed me. You see… July 2nd/3rd is our anniversary. Dating and Marriage. And typically, the day hurts and gets me in my feelings and passes on. But today is one of the… would have been bigger milestones. Today would have been one of those “I’m taking vacation time and we’re going on a romantic European Vacation” times. Which… that being my instinct doubly proves that it would never have actually happened with Nancy… it took a legitimate shouting match to get her okay with a FREE non-romantic Anniversary trip to Hawaii! Which always makes me feel… particularly strange with these feelings. There is no doubt that divorce was necessary. I don’t think anyone could make a good faith argument that the marriage should have continued. And considering her choices and lifestyle afterwards… even a bad faith argument that the marriage should have continued would have fallen apart. And to be honest.... considering how we started, I suppose the ending was… to be expected in some ways. But today would have been 20 years dating. My 21st birthday party was the “Holy Crap, we literally can’t keep our hands off each other!” but July 3rd was the “I’m willing to give whatever this is an honest shot!” My 26th Birthday was when I proposed and July 2nd of 2011 was when we got married. Repeatedly, I can say without equivocation, the divorce was needed. Ultimately, there are a lot of things that say we shouldn’t have gotten married to start with. Ultimately, had I to do over again entirely, I honestly do not know if I would date her again. I don’t know if I would go through with it with her, or get myself in bigger trouble with Shannon, or burn myself in effigy trying for Aoife, or what.... what would be the wise decision?? But that’s hypothetical. That’s fantasy. That’s wasted energy as I’ll never suddenly find myself in 2005 again. Truth is, though, that maybe I do know the answer. I mean… I couldn’t know then what I know now. But Nancy was beautiful and nerdy and shy but talkative (in that ADHD hyperfocus way) and… I was surprised and grateful that she ever even gave me the time of day. A black belt that likes to dance and knows Star Trek backwards and forwards? A girl that devours books but also is curious about nerdy shows and topics? And this woman not only is willing to talk to me but actually seems to want to? Yeah. I was always going to fall for her. That combination was always destined to win my heart. But I can also say with confidence… twenty years ago, I never could have predicted we’d be here now. Twenty years ago, I honestly didn’t think she would be my wife someday. Always hoped, started every relationship hoping it would be The One That Lasted but… I didn’t see Nancy and I working out for decades even then. So, it is kind of funny. If I told my past self, “Yeah, things didn’t work out”, my past self would say, “That sucks but I guess isn’t terribly surprising.” For me to say, “Yeah, actually we did marry her. Lived in 5 different places together as a married couple, even. Got the whole house and dog routine together. But… it didn’t work out. Sorry, kid.” To hear that my past self would be dumb struck. But probably more from the “WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE GOT DIVORCED?!” of it all more than anything else. I would then likely spare him from hearing how… yeah, divorced… and have spent (all years together) probably over a thousand dollars (easy) (and counting) trying to find dates in the online hellscape of our world to the point where Romance Scams barely even piss me off anymore because there is pretty much literally no difference between a full on Romance Scam and the fucking Apps anymore.
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Turning to more present sense items; the police reviewed my text messages from “Tony” and have informed me that if they can identify him, they will charge him with Harassment in the 1st Degree, an Aggravated Misdemeanor with a potential penalty of up to 2 years in prison. They have notified me that subpoenas for records have been sent to Meta. SO… that’s… a wide swing from originally charging a Simple Misdemeanor with a potential penalty of up to 30 days in jail. Of course… if he is identified and does get charged; there is a very real possibility that I will actually have to testify. Which… is definitely a “familiar but wildly different” for me. I’m not unaccustomed to being on the record in Court but as a victim of a crime would be a very different experience. All things considered, there would also be a high likelihood that the case would have to be farmed out… not just out of the County but potentially out of the District 1B itself as all of the District Associate Judges who would hear the case know me. Really humorously, they likely wouldn’t be able to put it into District 2B either as I worked those courts for a combined total of 5 years. But of course, that’s all… speculative thinking about a potentiality at this point and nothing more.
But I think my brain is falling more into the “I’d rather think about hypothetical futures” mode as an escape from the “dealing with what is here and now”. Like… my brain very clearly says, “There’s a million things to do! It’s hot, humid, muggy, uncomfortable! It’s a holiday weekend! I don’t want to… do, be, exist!” The honest truth, as ridiculous and pathetic as it is? I just want to sit in my basement, play Elder Scrolls, and watch Fairy Tail until the chaos passes. But, regardless of the job, just thinking political climate and actual climate.... the chaos will not pass. This isn’t something we can wait out. At least, not something we can wait out rationally. And that’s… the worst of it, sometimes. And I’ll let you in on something… the way I feel about my dating life is the way I feel about the political climate and the actual climate. Summarized as:
I don’t know what to do. It won’t get better without actual, proactive, intentional work. So, I can’t just SIT and HOPE or PRAY. I have to DO. I have to TRY. I just… the constant issue is simply… how do you sustain hope and Try Energy through extended periods of darkness? When it sincerely feels like nothing you can actually try will do anything.... how do you keep pushing forward? And that? That’s honestly a mindset faithful readers should be able to recognize. That’s the “regardless of reality, we don’t give up. no matter what the obstacles, we push on” mindset. Instilled in me from an incredibly early age… very likely partially to blame for a lot of the toxicity I’ve experienced in my life. ABSOLUTELY connected to the “Be a Hero” issues I admit live deep in my soul. So… it connects to a much larger question:
Do you kill the hero inside so you can survive the world as it is?
Do you feed the hero inside and pray that you can find a way to live a fulfilled life?
Or do you maintain the hero inside… knowing it’s there, trying to inspire, feeling frustrated by reality?
So yes. For the most part, I’ll admit… it could be accurate to say that I wasted most of my day. But I genuinely want to investigate something now....
I have very much been in an Oblivion and Fairy Tail mood of late. Now, the familiar and repetitious is already known. People in anxiety prefer entertainment they are familiar with; often rewatching comfort shows repeatedly. People feeling stuck or uncertain may prefer entertainment like Oblivion because it creates a sense of Mission and Forward while still being familiar and ultimately entirely doable with little obstacle. Further, a game like Oblivion presents many options for how to behave, think, experiment, or create. So, there can be a feeling of self expression, exploration, and validation that goes along with it. Do you prefer a purely magical world? Then you may focus on Health & Restoration spells for surviving, Lock Pick & Alteration spells for exploration, Elemental and Destructive spells for battle… all kinds! Or do you prefer a purely grounded world? Then you may focus on food and drink for surviving, lock picking tools for exploration, and classic weapons for battle. Or do you prefer a stealthy challenge? Perhaps you’d rather just be a merchant and guild member? SO.... Oblivion makes sense. Replaying that in these times acts as a soothe to anxiety, a sense of Mission in a time of listlessness, and validation over personal choices. Fairy Tail was a bit of a head scratcher for me, though, as it isn’t a Go To Comfort Anime for me. It still scratches that “Something Familiar”; it also scratches the “Friendship is prioritized” sense somewhat missing in my existence; the stories involve multiple characters of varying abilities and personalities and has a strong mix of male and female characters.... might go to a sense of balance? Or the sizeable lack of women in my life. Which, I hopefully don’t have to clarify but still will… I’m not suggesting “I need a lover” though I am (as always) in that frame of mind. But no… really for me one of the most sizeable shifts in growing older has been the disappearance of women. As a child, when the world thought I was gay, women were my friends. Something of a catch 22 filled with confusion. I was one of those boys that was called gay for hanging out with women, so women thought I was gay meaning safe, so they hung out with me, leading more to consider me.... the cycle goes on. Being massively into theater, singing, dance, cello, and swimming didn’t seem to help either. But as my adult body arrived, women seemed less inclined to be trusting or to see me as safe or as gay. Which I think is honestly one of those areas where my loneliness started. I still had Theater Women who would stop me in the hall to offer me a hug at random… but the closeness of emotions started to vanish. Which… makes sense in a sad way. Girls were getting boyfriends and didn’t want to seem unfaithful by being emotionally close with a straight male friend. And some friendships do turn into dating; which then turn into breakups; and you lose the entire friend group. Then less and less and things spiral until you’re in college as the virginal outcast who can’t even get dates… but heaven forfend, even that freak has a few women friends.... until Nancy and largely that was me being one of those High School Girls I’d known. Break ties with the attractive straight female friends so as not to make my girlfriend feel threatened. And then you get divorced and discover that.... you don’t even know how to make, keep, or interact with female friends anymore. THAT went in a different direction than where I started! I was just trying to say that… a large cast of male and female characters that interact as equals and friends is another possible reason why Fairy Tail has become that show that I watch as I do. But I also have to say that it probably has something to do with the music, too. Celtic and Gaelic music have always made me happy. Calmed me. Reached into my chest positively. And Fairy Tail uses themes like that so...... another reason.
Then my brain wanders. If I could? If I could genuinely build a dream woman- red haired or raven haired Irish woman instantly comes to mind. But these are thoughts and ideas that are best left to another time, if at all. Though, I am working on/struggling with a psychological issue regarding body image and dating so… I will probably write something sincere along those regards sometime soon.
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