What If in Journal

I was just empty?

No thoughts, no feelings, no emotions of my own?

No internal dialogue, as they say.

Just a shell. Just a body. All the workings… But no content.

Except for one thing. A will. A free Will. This Will has no discernment or discretion of its own. But it does have the capacity to act, nonetheless.
It would seem perfectly right, then, that the Will is the very first thing developed fully in the human being- the tiny infant and indeed bacteria and microbial life forms have only action and sustained movement as their capacity. It wouldn’t be e exactly right to say that infants have no emotions or thoughts whatsoever, but, it is also only the potential for what we define as mature emotional experience or ability to think.
No; the infant lives in his Will. He cries when he is unhappy, hungry, too cold, too hot, sad, lonely - whatever it is he forcefully moves those around him with an Internet Will.

It is only later that the toddler or young child begins to associate concepts of hunger with the feeling of gnawing in his belly, and to his will-force generated behavior of becoming cranky, belligerent, disconsolate, perhaps even frenzied. Maybe he never connects these things, as many adults do not have any awareness of their own behavior.

It these things… The feeling of hunger is something experienced and felt and so it is not I. The concept of hunger is something I understand and turn around in my mind as I would turn a toy truck in my hand; so it too is separate from me. Even my Will which compels the body to act- withdrawing the hand from a burning flame, flinching away from a painful prick, etc- I do not live in it. Yet it is there, without me… And a part of me.

The other things require some consciousness don’t they? Feelings, thoughts- they are held and beheld by my awareness. Without my awareness, thoughts as we define them would not have any foundations, and emotions likewise would not be felt by anything.
But Will… Does it need any consciousness? It would seem that it doesn’t.... Or very base consciousness. The body wills itself to grow and develop in exactly the right ways, and microbes do that, too.

I’m not doing a very good job am I?

For some reason the memory of that night when I left my body not too long ago comes back to me. I had a distinct impression that I was to remember that experience. I do remember it. As I reflect; I ponder the state of being totally empty, as I was then, but having a compulsion to move. I experienced this compulsion in my body so strongly, that I threw myself forward - and I found that I had left my body.
What seems importance and an enigma to me is… How did I experience this Will of mine so strongly? It did not come out of a thought, or a feeling. It was pure Will. I experienced it as pure, complete and perfect. Nothing else was present. No content whatsoever. Just movement.

My mind was totally empty. No words. No thoughts. No inner dialogue. I experienced this state quite a lot.
However, my emotional feeling body was also empty. It was very still. Like a lake without even a hint of a ripple. This is so rare for me that it is a notable and remarkable experience - and I repeat. Nothing at all disturbed the water. From the depths, nor from above.

What moves my will, which moves me?