I feel inspired to paint. I can feel that itch stirring. I was admiring the artwork in the hotel lobby yesterday. I am going to have to check on my inventory.
I stopped painting the moment it didn’t feel like it was for me. People were giving me requests. Also, they felt so personal, I hated people asking me questions about them.
We had a Staff Development Day. It was at a hotel. That is where I saw the artwork. The day was alright. I retained very little. The new Executive Director got to introduce herself formally. She refuses to have an office, which is kind of impressive. Her priority is community. What my nonprofit does, which is unique, is that it has culture woven into it. I don’t want to take that for granted.
The tension between my coordinator and me is getting kind of toxic. For him, mostly. He gets to fester and lose sleep over it. Over what? I don’t know! I can handle being mad at someone, but being disappointed in someone is heavier. I turned down a promotion and chose the team. He isn’t showing up for the kids. I don’t know how to talk to him about it, I’m just so tongue-tied. I think it is because it is personal, and I don’t do personal. So this is going to get worse. I can’t look at him. I can barely talk to him. The poor guy. He is trying so hard, but somewhere in my psyche, I have decided that he has lost my personality privileges. There is a brotherly love between us, so this is hard.
His boss used soft language to explain to him that he needs to step into his role so that I can step into mine. The language I was given was he needs to be accountable for his role. I am grieving the loss of control that I had, but I will be okay. I was overfunctioning, now I get to sit back and relax. Poor me, right? His ADHD is so hard to witness. He leans into his object permanence, he takes on superfluous side quests, and lets everything pile up. Just getting out the door can be menacing. He starts 20 side quests when we just need to leave. I have my own ADHD to manage.
ADHD is just a dopamine deficiency. We don’t have the chemical for motivation. I am high functioning because I don’t live my life in a way that is all about me. If it is a service for someone else, I don’t hesitate. This is why I don’t have ADHD on the clock, I’m working for the man. My spaces are clean for company, and my health is for my nieces and nephews. All the other adults in their lives are fat and inactive. I want at least one role model in their life who takes care of themselves properly.
Anyway, I want to hit up the gym before my shift today. I don’t know what we are doing because I’m not running the program. We will be scrambling to get kids to come at the last second, also. We don’t work on Tuesday because of Canada Day, and I am getting FOMO that almost everyone else took a wellness day for Monday… I am tempted. My team is getting together to strategize our program and do some team building. It would be JOMO (Joy Of Missing Out) if I took Monday off. Yesterday’s staff function was mandatory, and our part-time mentor didn’t attend. He submitted his timesheet, which means he is getting paid for it. It’s not my job to do something about it, but I haven’t been letting my coordinator sweep these incidents under the rug. The guy has time blindness and is unable to keep a job. He is going to lose this one next. He dates my coordinator’s sister, so he has been getting special treatment, which I just called out. My own coordinator can go down for this as well. Which is why I am putting the pressure on him.
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