I am back! That was an interesting trip.
I caught many fish, some were very large.
All told- there were 6 guys and we caught 29 fish over 12 hours (separated into two separate days). As is always most humorous to me… the more the boat shook on the water, the more I wanted to sleep!! Seriously, if you’re familiar with the Anime Fairy Tale… as Natsu is to vehicles (sicker and sicker) I am the sleep equivalent (instead of motion sick, I get sleepy). This stems largely from being a colicky little baby who would only sleep in the car! Some things stick with you forever, lol. The trip was mostly fishing and silence so not a whole hell of a lot to write about. But for the few negatives which aren’t “I only focus on these” so much as “I could sit here, in real time, explaining what it was like to sit in silence, catch a fish, watch it be murdered, then sit in silence again” but… I don’t really see the value in the recounting moment by moment.
(1) Dad was decent on alcohol! All but for the first night; but he’s mostly switched to beer so… first time back at hard liquor and his tolerance actually supported that reality. So, the first night was rough but that was it. Though, it did tie into my decision regarding the new play. See, I don’t want to do a gay makeout on stage for a lot of reasons. But one of the reasons I feel bad about not wanting to do it is because of how passionately homophobic my father still is. That first night as we’re greeting and getting to know, the group seems keen on my having just finished a show. Dad seems keen on knowing how close Beatrice and I are in real life. Yes, Dad, I know… she’s attractive, around my age, and we kissed on stage. I’m not pursuing her romantically, because I know we’re not compatible as a relationship and we work infinitely better as friends and theater colleagues. BUT that brought the conversation to one of my “acting jokes”… because it is true that I’ve been acting since 1989 and my first two stage kisses were this year and last year, lol! Which… triggers my father. Audible disgust sounds and retelling the story of being FORCED to drive all the way up to see a play where his youngest son has to “kiss a fucking man!” And after the dramatized trauma of his experience, he caps it off with “Never fucking do that again!” SO… you can understand how I feel very mixed on doing the new show. On one hand, I love theater and want to keep being in theater things… this is the next show in my area that is happening. On the other hand, I don’t want to pigeon hole myself by being the CFCT Closet Homosexual Actor as (were I cast in this show), it would mean both of my CFCT shows were as the Closeted Gay Character. Back on the first hand, I am an actor and if I can do a role, I feel I should do the role because doing something outside of my reality is what acting is. Back on the other hand, though, I’m not in an emotionally great place when it comes to relationships- generally; and romantic and sexual relationships are kind of big issues in my life lately- so maybe returning to play a gay character so prominently (again) wouldn’t be in my best interests. And then you add the DAD stuff and the homophobia and.... yeah. I feel honestly pretty trashy about this but truthfully?
A- If I was a man whore, successfully “banging chicks” left and right, I would have no problem going out for this role.
B- If I were in a successful, committed, happy relationship involving emotional and physical intimacy, I would have no problem going out for this role.
And the fact that those two things are true.... makes me kind of disrespect myself more. Because what I am saying is.... “I need an emotional or physical anchor/support in order for me to play characters wildly different from who I am.” Which… both sounds logical and unprofessional.
(2) I was the only person on the entire trip that didn’t have grandkids. I shit thee nay, the standard there was grand kids… not kids, not… yeah. The guy next youngest (as I was youngest) had just retired and had his first two grandkids born this year. And frankly… that doesn’t say much about age itself, necessarily. There are people in their 40s who are retiring and there are people in their 40s who are having grandkids. Fuck, thanks to the nightmares of OnLine Dating, I can confidently say there are people in their 40s having their first Great Grandkids and that’s just more fucked up than anything has a right to be! But in discussing things, a few statements may have landed on me harder than intended. So, I didn’t show or mention the hurt, but it is there and hurt suppressed needs to be expressed in places like this!
A- Dad was talking about how much he was giving away to my cousins because he and my mom are kind of past where the grandkids are that age. In other words… they are “coming to terms” with Johanna being the only grandkid they ever have, and are getting rid of things because they won’t be needed.
B- There is much excitement as the first Male Grandchild is being baptized in August. And considering my cousins? This Male Grandchild, the newest infant of the family, is likely to be the last grandchild born!! Because the ages of the kids are 44, 41, 40, and 37. The 44 year old’s child is now 11. The 41 year old never had kids. The 40 year old has an 8 year old and a 3 year old. The 37 year old has a 5 year old and a newborn. And that’s.... just… what the family is accepting and expecting at this point. And… it does hurt and it is kind of upsetting. Because I am the 41 year old. Because this is one of those fun ways where following the rules seems to have royally fucked me. I just… I held on for too long, did too much to try to save the marriage.... I know that most people would turn rage onto the ex-wife, do a whole “SHE is at fault, RARGH!” but… a lot of the anger falls to me. SHE was getting everything she wanted. Why would she have ever taken the mature step to say, “I don’t want to be married to you” when she was getting everything she wanted?! The anger falls to me for being so willing to say “I guess my needs don’t matter, let’s make sure we’re addressing your problems first and exclusively.” I mean… I also know the family is thrilled that I didn’t have kids with Nancy. I didn’t realize how authentically they didn’t like her until we were divorced but.... yeah! But… still. It just… when the general mood is “We’ve all just pretty much given up on Christopher finding love or having kids” it isn’t great.
(3) I had forgotten to bring my phone charger, so I knew on Thursday at some point- my phone was going to die. Thus, I did not use it much on Tuesday or Wednesday! But on that Thursday morning?
More Instagram Texts from Tony Maloney! Randomly on Thursday morning at 1:52 a.m. CST
“Life destroyer deactivate now or I’m calling your office to read them all of your posts”
“I warned you now I’m coming for blood you fat faggot”
Then on Thursday morning at 7:30 a.m. CST
“Its over cripple go ahead and deactivate”
Now… again… I have no idea who TONY MALONEY might be. That doesn’t connect to ANY Defendants. And when I got home from the trip, I double checked. Instagram is to FELIXBLAQ and my Twitter is FELIXBLAQ but my Twitter Account has been inactive since 2024!! There is a 0% chance that this guy is referencing anything I am doing on Twitter! I haven’t gone to the authorities because I know better than most how unlikely it is anything will happen. Unfortunately, it is likely the abusive ex of… one of my many friends who are women. Either my friend who almost died or Essen or bloody pick one at random at this point! But yes- if these messages persist, I will inform law enforcement. Because… I have nothing to fear from any of the people it might be… but not knowing who it could be does bother me enough to escalate as needed/if needed.
(4) My father and I had an impromptu discussion on how he is glad I have new perspective from my friendship with Hermia but how he is epically relieved I stopped the relationship when I did. As he easily saw that as a relationship where I just gave everything to take care of her and of a kid that wasn’t mine and how it would have been another relationship of just “endless support without the return” and… he’s not wrong there. I actually had a moment on the boat where I thought, “Honestly, if I was still with Hermia, she would not have permitted me to go on this trip.” SO… there’s something. I guess more “balance” for life.... yes, nobody loves you and nobody finds you sexually appealing; but at least you aren’t wasting your life away desperately seeking love and desire from a source that will just take take take. And then my brain is quick to scream out: BUT THAT’S ALL YOU’VE EVER FOUND WILLING TO DATE YOU, FOR THE MOST PART. WITHOUT “TAKE, TAKE, TAKE” NOBODY WANTS YOU! Which… isn’t great. And I did have a moment on the boat where that old annoying thought returned: “Your wife spent 10 years actively being repulsed at the thought of sex with you, and the only person that has wanted it since literally couldn’t see you, you fat disgusting hideous man!” But I also know how that isn’t constructive.
(5) And then my father, in his inarticulate way, attempted to broach the subject with me. I’ve told him about Speed Dating, about Match Making, about Dating Apps, about going to Church, about going to Political Rallies, about being active in my community.... the only thing I haven’t done is (A) go to a gym; or (B) start trolling the bars.... and I am giving very serious considerations to both avenues!!!! But Dad did try to get me to talk about how the Dating App experience is going. When I answered with “A nightmare!” he quickly dropped the subject.
And then we came home.
I plugged my dead phone in, happy to see that there were no massive work emergency texts or phone calls. I then hopped onto the dating apps and swiped right on each fucking app until the app said, “That’s all the swiping you’re allowed to do today” so… I get the “joyous” opportunity of.... waiting for approximately 0.0 of those to be returned.
It’s almost ironic that this would be simpler if I could just go to a Prostitute and think, “Okay, sex achieved. I’m good for a while.” But… that’s not going to fix things. Yes, I’m a horn dog. I’m horny. I want to apply my mouth, fingers, and genitals in such a way as to bring a desired female partner to many enthusiastic orgasms while hopefully having one or two myself. Yes, I do want that. But the issue isn’t the sexual release. As ever- I want a friend to hang out with, someone to watch Movies with, someone to cook dinner with, someone to hit the town with, someone to explore the world with… someone who isn’t just going to make me a surrogate for her own issues with her father; isn’t someone who is just looking for “any port in a storm”; isn’t someone so wildly uncertain about their own identity that any identity will do. It’s funny to have high standards that aren’t high standards.
But that’s kind of what this trip was, in a way. Old men reliving old stories, enjoying time together, becoming more appreciative of the wives and lives they have back home. So… the one old man that isn’t quite staring down the barrel of his own mortality (though I am doing that more and more) is… sitting in his reality. No one to rehash old stories with; except theater folks. Becoming more aware that outside of doing shows… the only aspect of my life I’m even coming back to is the job and… you’ll forgive me if that isn’t the kind of thing that motivates the heart.
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